Losing Grip
by BrynnLeigh
Summary: Max, at Zane, Krit and Syl's request goes to San Francisco to meet Jondy. But Jondy isn't a little girl anymore and has made it quite clear that she will never be again. J/A
1. Why Should I Care?

_15 February 2022  :: Los-Angeles, California_

_Day Ten_

_I haven't been in a writing mood for the past nine days…I don't feel bad at all for waiting. I had to know that they weren't going to read this. _

_They almost did it today. They almost got that reaction they were hoping for. Looking up towards that little window to see her staring back was not something I really expected. I knew it was a possibility. I'm sure Zane had called her and told her she should come but that she actually did was quite a shock. She's so pretty. Even without sleep and looking like hell, she's still so fucking pretty. It makes me want to grab her by her scrawny neck and just beat the hell out of her, break her nose...make her eyes swell shut. That way I won't have to see them, probing, staring straight through me to see what's inside. I hate her. I hate her most of all. _

_How can someone look like complete shit and be beautiful at the same time? The circles beneath her eyes are worse than mine. Poor X5-452 doesn't get much sleep these days, eh?.. I hate you. I fucking hate you_

_I refuse to call her by her name. She stopped being "Max" to me so long ago I don't even remember. No…that's a lie. I remember exactly. It'd been almost thirteen years ago. Maybe she was pissed off at me too, but it doesn't really matter anymore, not really. I was the one living in seclusion. I was alone. No one ever came to see me except Zack. I never did like Zack. He never cared about me like he did you. He never cared about me the way Ben and you cared about me… God I hate you. I hate you both. _

_I hope it hurt like hell when I turned my back on you. Because it hurt like hell when you turned yours on me. _

_** ** **_

Jondy wouldn't cry. She wouldn't cry. She wouldn't do it. She hadn't cried in the ten days of hell since she'd been here, and she wasn't going to start now. Not with them watching, never with her watching. She could feel their eyes on her, watching her, judging her. She could feel them on her skin and she wanted to hide. She ran her hands over her arms as if to brush away their gaze. It didn't work. They were still there, they were still watching.

_"Stop looking at me"._ She whispered as she slid from the bed to the floor. Crawling around the head rail until they could only see her hair. She sat cross-legged on the floor, the cold tiles making her skin prickle through the thin pants. "_Stop looking at me."_

Unconsciously one hand moved to her mouth, her teeth biting at the skin surrounding her finger-tips. Her nails were long gone, bitten to the quick during frequent periods of anxiousness. Her other hand tugged at a thread that dangled from the hem of her shirt. She pulled at the string until it lengthened and the stitches began to slowly unravel. She was unraveling, falling apart at the seams…

_Stop looking at me. All of you go back where you came from. You didn't want me then, you sure in the hell don't want me now. _Her fingers moved from her mouth to her nose, pinching it, brushing it where it itched. _Stop looking at me._

"She's so small."

"What?" Zane glanced over at Max, his eyes quickly returning to the frail form on the bed.

"She doesn't even look like the same person. She's so thin."

"I know. It's unhealthy. She only eats enough to get by." He stared at the girl on the bed. She was wearing scrub type pants and a white thin tank top. Her spine and ribs clearly visible through the thin cloth and her hand, lying limply on the mattress beside her was frail and skeletal. 

"If she wants to get better then why doesn't she eat? Why doesn't she talk?"

"She doesn't want to get better. She wants to get _out_. She didn't come here because she wanted to, we forced her to come."

"And I am supposed to fix her." Max's whispered words fogged the glass in the small door pane as she leaned forward. The weight of the task pressed down and for a moment she couldn't move…couldn't breath. She couldn't do this…she had enough problems of her own. But she knew she had to, they all knew they couldn't let her down, not again. 

Her mouth moved slowly as she muttered inside the room. Both wanted to hear the words. Max wanted to know what was happening on the other side of the door. Why wouldn't she look at them? Why wouldn't she speak aloud? Could she speak and was choosing not to? Had the drugs damaged her so completely that she just wasn't able to form the words? Was it reversible? The answers to these questions were obvious as she watched her, as she looked at the notebook that lay open on her lap. He'd seen her writing in it before she had the words…why wouldn't she say them?

Max continued to watch as she began to fidget, running her hands over her skin as if to brush something away. Her mouth continued to move silently as she slid to the floor and crawled out of site. Her head hunched down until they could only see a patch of brown curls between the metal bars of her headboard. She was hiding from something. But what?


	2. I Was so Alone

_Day Twelve_

_I learned how to French braid my own hair today. It's been driving me insane for days, hanging limply in my face and I keep pulling at it causing it to break. It took hours to figure it out, then when I did, it was one of those ugly ass braids where it sits on top of your head instead of being buried under. How the fuck do you write that and explain what you mean? Oh well, no one is reading this shit but me. Anyway, finally I got it figured out. My damn arms ache so bad now from holding them above my head. But it's a good ache, like the way you feel after a hard workout, when you moan and smile at the same time. The pain of accomplishment, as lopsided as it may be._

_She's__ out there. Standing there with her nose pressed to the stupid glass. I watched her earlier out of the corner of my eye. Occasionally her breath would make the glass fog and it would piss her off. She's mad. Mad that I won't look at her or the rest of them. In fact I am sitting with my back to her this very second and I can practically hear her panting with rage. It's what you get you bitch. You can stand out there just like the rest of them. Let hell freeze over...pigs fly...any other stupid ass saying that fits the situation. I'm not talking to you... _

_They say I'm too skinny. How can you be too skinny? People diet, diet, diet to lose weight and I'm too skinny. Give me some damn food. Not this institution bullshit either. Give me something that actually LOOKS like food and maybe I'll start eating it. Fat fucks. Of course I'm too skinny to you._

_She'll get tired. Watching me do nothing will get old. She'll leave. They always do. We run from what we don't understand. We fear what we know nothing about and we run from it. It's funny how everyone claims to be tired of running, but in actuality, we all embraced it. Because if we were running, that meant we were free. We are never really free though, because we will always be running. _

_(Same day) _

_This place is going to drive me insane. Then they can just cart me from one white room to another I suppose. "She went straight from rehab to the Looney bin." They should just put me in the basement with the Nomalies…that's where I belong. If being in here doesn't drive me insane seeing them out there will. They are still there. She had disappeared for a while and I thought she was gone then I see that she just came back with the rest of them. Those fuckers can just go and leave me the fuck alone._

****

"When did all this start?" Max finally said after almost an hour of complete silence.

"Zack never really told us where she was. We had a very general idea but it took us months to find her." Syl explained slowly. "This is how we found her. She had just snorted that shit and was blown out of her mind."

Zane nodded and walked towards the door to watch her through the window. "She was mumbling about Ben…and you. She thinks we all abandoned her."

"Why would she think that? We didn't know!" Max proclaimed, her voice dripping with remorse. "She was my best friend."

"I know that Max, but we all had someone. We all left Manticore with someone. She didn't have anyone…" Zane shook his head. "Except Ben, I know for a fact that her and Ben spent a lot of time together. I remember Zack bitching about it for hours about how irresponsible they were being."

"And she was in San Francisco the whole time?" Max's fingers trailed down the window.

"Practically the whole time. She traveled with Ben for a few months, over to New York Chicago, and Miami…she wasn't even in San Francisco when we got the Eyes Only message. Zack lost track of her and Ben…then you found Ben, I'm pretty sure she was back in San Francisco by then." Zane sighed as if the whole memory had been a chore for him. 

Max's gazed turned from them and back to Jondy. Her thoughts shifted to Ben and his possible role in this and maybe her possible role in his melt down. 

_Day 14_

_They stood outside the door for like four hours today and just looked in. I wanted so bad to just turn and stick my tongue out at them or flip them the bird or something. You put me here. Stop looking at me like some zoo animal all sad eyed and crying. If the sight of me in here makes you sad blame yourself. You made me this way. You can stand out there until your bones turn to dust. I'm not looking at you...I'm not talking to you and when I get out I'm going right back where I came from. This isn't my home. There's nothing for me here anymore. _

_What else can I write about? I have to do something to make the time pass faster. The days seem to stretch on eternally and it's driving me mad. I lay in this bed and stare at the ceiling and pray for sleep - not like God's listening to me these days but what the hell, ya know? - but sleep never does come for me, fucking shark DNA. I wonder what kind of faces they'd make at me if I asked for drugs to make me sleep. I'd laugh at that but someone might see me and the game would be over. Bastards. It amuses me to call them that. Bastards...they march around all high and mighty telling me it will all be okay, it can't be that bad. How the fuck do you know? Sure your life isn't that bad. You're not locked in some fucking room. You get to roam around and be free to fucking watch me for hours on end. Your boyfriends are with you, you're girlfriends are with you. Ben is dead. But it's all going to be okay. I've just let myself become dependent on the drugs. Well no shit. It wasn't accidental, ya know. _

_There should be a place where you can go and press rewind on your life. Like a big ass T.V. remote...and every person has their own channel and I could point to my channel and just hit rewind. I'd wanna go back to when I was like nine the night we escaped and instead of going, I would burrow under the covers and pretend to be dead. Yeah…that's what I'd do. _

_Boredom...it does crazy things to your brain. Apparently, so does cocaine._


	3. Like I'm Not Real

Max turned the knob and stepped inside, the door clicking distinctly shut behind her. She flinched as it did. The room was narrow and stark white. It wasn't much bigger than Logan's bathroom, although for a bathroom his _was_ rather large…but this was Jondy's entire living space. The bed was a twin with a shiny chrome head and footboard and it was against the wall on the left. There was a small desk and chair on the right with a notepad, two pens and a small lamp. A dull metal plate served as a mirror on the wall near the door. Nothing else. Not a photo, a teddy bear, nothing. She slowly moved towards the desk, pulling out the chair and turning it to face the bed, she sat. Immediately Jondy twisted to face the opposite direction.

She was a bit surprised. Talk about not wanting to see someone. "Jondy?" Nothing. "Jondy, it's me Max."

Max saw her body jerk, heard a light snort and her head shook slightly. Oh she knew exactly who she was, she just didn't give a fuck.

"Ok, so I know that you can hear me. Are you going to turn around and talk to me?" Nothing. "Ok…does this mean you're pissed at me specifically or just at the world in general?" Not a movement.

She sat and waited. Jondy didn't give. The minutes ticked by. Finally she glanced at her watch. This was going to be a long day. She turned behind her and picked up the pad and one of the pens. Max propped it on her knee and stared.

_****_

_Day 15_

_I couldn't write in here yesterday because that bitch came in. I knew someone would. I couldn't believe it. She just sat in that chair all fucking day long and stared at me and scribbled on that notepad._

_She'd hum and write. Once she even sang out loud. Max never could sing._

_I just had to lay down and bury my face in my pillow so no one would see me smile. Zane is out there again. I got up early so I could write in here just incase she came again. God, please don't let her come again. I think I'll go mad, I'm only two steps from it already._

_At least she didn't look good. Still looks like shit. Maybe it's me that's making her look that way. Maybe it's me that's keeping her up at night. Maybe she knows what a bastard she is and it eats at her day after day, hour after hour. What do ya know? Two pleasant thoughts in one day._

_Shit…she's in here again! Bastards. All of them. Fuck her, I'll just keep writing._

Max stared at her back, wishing she would acknowledge her, wishing she'd at least glance in her direction. She wanted some kind of reaction from her. Something to let her know she still had at least the tiniest grip on reality. Hell, a heart felt "Get the fuck out" would suit her better then this nothing she was giving her now. She was getting nowhere, and she felt useless and tired and she'd sat in that chair until her muscles were aching and her head was pounding steadily in time with her heart. 

She was dressed exactly the same today as she had been every other day. She felt certain that it was a new set that looked the same as other…surely, she wasn't wearing the same clothes day after day. Was she?

She was writing in her notebook again. She'd noticed the tip of it sticking out from under her pillow the day before but wasn't about to mess with it. She'd been writing in it several times when she'd been outside looking in through that small window as well. At least she was being productive and not just sitting there like a zombie. She had to be feeling something to have something to write about, right?

Her hair was a ratty mess. She'd been wearing it in a braid for days now, occasionally taking it out and redoing it. She was getting better at it too although right now it looked slept on and messy. Max leaned towards her. "Can I see what you are writing?" She hadn't realized she was going to ask her before the words actually left her mouth.

Jondy's head rose for a moment as if she couldn't believe she'd ask such a thing and then it lowered again and she began to scribble furiously. Glancing towards the door and not seeing anyone, Max stood and stepped towards her. She was leaning over her shoulder before Jondy realized what was happening. Gasping in surprise she huddled over the book, burying her face in her arms to cover herself. Max grabbed her by the arm and pulled her up. She jerked free as if her touch had scalded her and attempted to scoot away. Max was faster than she and grabbed her arm again pulling her back.

_"Get your fucking hands off me."_ She growled in a voice so deep it made Max take a few steps back. Who was this stranger? Was she possessed?

Years worth of frustration bubbled up from deep within her as she stared wide eyed at this tattered creature in front of her. She was backed away from Max, her back pressed tight against the wall as if she feared her. The notebook she'd come to loath was held securely to her chest with both hands. And Jondy stared at her, unblinkingly, her green eyes filled with a maddening mixture or hatred and fear. 

"What _happened_ to you? Why are you doing this? I'm not going to hurt you…" Max reached for her and she backed away, a tormented sound coming from somewhere deep within her throat and suddenly Max knew she had to get out of there or she was going to lose her mind. She'd let so many people worry and pray and think the worst about her for so long and she'd been fucked up the whole time. Partying and having a grand time. And now all Max was trying to do was _speak_ to her and she was treating her like she thought she was going to _hurt_ her? Bitch she may very well be but if she remembered _anything_ about her, Jondy knew she'd never lay a finger on her in anger.

Closing her eyes, Max forced herself to take a deep breath and relax her hands from the aching fists they were balled into at her sides. "You are acting like a fucking baby. Ya know regardless of the reasons, Jon, you're the one that got yourself all fucked up on drugs and now you sit there and act like the victim. Well, you know what, it's bullshit. I'm going for a damn walk, I'm going to find some damn pills to stop this fucking throbbing in my head, and when I'm done, I'm coming back. And when I come back, I'm going to sit my ass in that chair and stare at you, until you start talking to me or until we both rot, whichever comes first." Max was almost to the door before she stopped and looked over her shoulder. "And brush your god damn hair. You look like hell." 

Max stepped back from the door far enough that she couldn't see her but she could still see inside. She was furious. She stood on the edge of her bed and WHAM the notebook slapped against the tiny window. Max had pushed her more than she should have she was sure. Jondy was pacing the room clinching and unclenching her hands again as she circled. Exhaling forcefully, relieved to have drawn at least some kind of emotion from her Max turned and headed for the door. She was going to get some air, some Tylenol, some food and just like she'd promised, she was going to sit there until they rotted…or until she spoke to her…preferably in a voice that didn't sound like it came from Satan himself.


	4. I'm Invisible to You

_Day 16_

_Somebody just make it go away. Any of it. All of it. Make the cravings and the panic attacks and the fucking shaking just go away. I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep._

Tears blurred her eyes. She knew she wouldn't be able to read what she was writing, hell, she could barely see the paper. It was sometime in the middle of the night, hours after "lights out" but still an eternity before the sun came up. The nights were the worst. When the time ticked away silently, slowly until she thought she'd lose her mind. And the thoughts… The endless string of memories all jumbled together. At first they had all been about she and Max and the other in Manticore. About how things had been and the unspoken bond and trust they'd shared. Then about New York, Miami, Chicago…all the time she'd spent with Ben. Sometimes they were so vivid she could hear the music, feel the sensations in her nose and chest, taste the drug on the back of her tongue but she never felt the high. Sometimes she could feel his hands on her, his lips on hers, the sound of his voice. And it was driving her insane.

Now these memories were tangled with old ones. Ones she hadn't thought about in years. Ones she'd locked away in that part of her heart that had been closed, never to reopen. Max. Zane. Krit and Syl. Why had they come? She didn't want them here, didn't need them here fucking with her heart and her mind again. She'd spent the last thirteen years doing that to herself.

** ** **

"How long has she been like that?"

Krit stepped up beside Max and looked through the small windowpane. "She was like that when I got here at seven. Zane said she hasn't moved since before dawn at least."

Max and Krit swallowed, they couldn't take their eyes off her, afraid she'd disappear. Being there for her was what they were trying to do but she wouldn't let them. She wouldn't even _look_ at them. And this…this was ten times worse. If she were sleeping it would be different but laying there like that with her eyes frozen open…just staring. She looked dead and that just scared the hell out of them.

Slowly Max eased the door open, moving quietly across the room to her chair. She pulled it just a bit closer this time. Just in case she needed her. Krit followed and sat with his back against the wall. "I know you don't want me, Jon, but I'm here. All you have to do is look at me." Her words were barely audible in the room.

Jondy blinked.

** ** **

_Day 19_

_Okay, so I spoke. It kind of spoiled what little fun I've had while I've been in here but twelve days from now, if I'm still not talking, they most certainly aren't going to let me outand amusing as it may be, I can't stay in here another day. I want to sleep in my own bed. Just for one night. Then who knows? I don't particularly want to stay home but I don't know where I want to go. Part of me wants to go back. Part of me just wants to hide. I miss my Ben. I miss him. But then there is this other part of me that knows now just how stressful living that life actually was. There's always the fun times and of course the highs…but at moments…I just don't know anymore. But the cravings aren't so bad today and…maybe that's okay with me. _

_I'm feeling better I suppose. I can tell I'm not quite so angry at everyone. It wasn't them that I was mad at to begin with. It was her. I talked to Syl yesterday for the first time and she just cried like a baby. I just want to go home._

_Then there's that bitch. Preening around here like it's all her doing. She actually grins at me like she's the one that made me "better." Like she thinks I started talking because she's here. You pissed me off, 452, you didn't change my world. And then you sit here with me while I'm depressed, watching me with those sad eyes. The pity in them made me sick. I don't need your pity and I don't need your help. I didn't start talking because of you. I started talking because contrary to what you may believe I am not stupid, I know what I need to do, and in order for me to get the fuck out of here I have to talk. _

_But I took care of her. I actually can't wait 'til she prances her skinny ass in the room today. I'll be facing her direction…watching her face with both eyes…maybe I'll even smile. Because I have to see her face._

_You wouldn't believe the speech I gave to Zane to get him to do this. It was a good one even if I do say so myself. "It represents a part of me I want to let go of. It will be like a fresh start. A new outlook on everything. A new me when I look in the mirror." I absolutely can't wait until she gets a load of me. It's nearly ten. It shouldn't be long now._

Max was surprised to see her facing away from the wall when she pushed her door open and walked in. She was tired and Joshua and Alec were starting to get impatient. It seemed like they were all being supportive of her need to be here and she respected them all the more for it. But she had to go back and she had to go soon.

She was looking at her…and smiling. Max gasped aloud and her mouth stayed open wide as she paused in mid stride.

She'd cut off all her hair. Well not all of it, but enough to get the point across.


	5. This is your life

_Hey thanks for the replies __J__ I wasn't sure if anyone was going to like this story. I've always thought that this is kind of what Jondy would be like…not a drug addict, of course, but I never thought she would be anything like the others. I just wanted to warn everyone that this story may come across as Anti-Max…I love Max but I'm going a different direction…I guess? Not sure if I even want to introduce Alec into it or just go more into her past with her and Ben…what do you think? Thanks again though. __J___

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_Day 20_

_Max didn't come back. It didn't make me feel as good as I thought it would either and it pisses me off. I wanted to love that shocked expression. I wanted to take pleasure in the horror in her eyes. But I felt like an ass. I stooped to an all time low. I let her see that I was hurting because I made it obvious I was trying to hurt her back. She still has this power over me that I can't seem to get out from under._

_I failed. I lost a battle in this war I'm waging against her. The sad part is that she doesn't even know she's fighting against me. She thinks she's trying to help. She thinks she's being a supporting loving friend when all she had to do was be that to begin with, forever ago, and none of this would have happened._

_But she didn't. She was selfish. They were ALL selfish._

So. Max knew it was all about her. Actually, she had known that already but the fact that she was talking to everyone, including Zane, and _not_ talking to her was a pretty damn good clue that there was definitely more to this than the drugs. And damn it Zane didn't have to look very far to find the reasons behind her self-destructive behavior. There was more to this than just her being messed up on drugs, _there was Max._ And she hated her. That much was obvious and the worst part was she was pretty sure Max knew why.

Max stared in through the small glass and sighed, the window fogging slightly from her breath. It was appropriate feeling…on the outside looking in. It was a place she didn't often find herself. Usually she was the center of attention. All things revolved around her but now…she was shut out…watching, waiting …begging for her to let her in again.

Bracing herself for the hours of silence ahead she went inside and took her usual position in the chair. She glanced at the notebook on the desk and decided to leave it for the time being.

"So…I know you are talking to everyone else…you wanna tell me why you hate me so much? I'm sure I already know but I'd like to make sure you and I are thinking the same evil thoughts about myself."

She looked up from her notebook, shot her a nasty look and dropped her eyes back down.

"Well, at least you looked at me. Should I consider it progress?"

"Why not, you've already cured me of my speaking problem."

"She speaks."

"Why are you here, Max?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"A simple one. Why are you here? You've been conveniently gone for the past thirteen years, _why are you here now?"_

_"Because I love you."_

"It's a funny thing, love." Jondy began as she closed her notebook. "Sometimes I can't tell the difference between love and hate. Just like I can't tell the difference between friends and enemies. I'm starting to figure it out though."

"What did I do Jon, what could I have done to make you hate me?" 

Jondy started to laugh and the tone of it caused Max's gaze to shift to the window where Syl was standing with a surprised expression. The laughter died down and Jondy shook her head with amusement. "I hate all of you, so it isn't just about what you did. It's what you all did."

"But you seem to be targeting me Jondy…"

"MAX it's not about you. Do you think that everything the is wrong in the world is because of you?"

Max resisted the urge to roll her eyes. She'd heard those words before from both Zack and Alec. "No…I think that it's my fault for the way you are."

"Everything is always about you, it always has been. From the very beginning everything was about you. If the sun was shining bright enough it was somehow because you weren't happy about something. Zack, the very few and far between times that he would visit could never stop talking about you. You were favored by everyone and no one could make you happy. We escaped because of you but I doubt you've been happy. I mean truly happy…have you Max?"

Jondy gave her a sadistic grin when Max pouted and remained silent. "And now that I'm the way I am you assume it's all your fault. Well fuck you Maxie…It's about ALL of you. I loved all of you unconditionally and what do you all do? You all abandoned me…"

"I was alone too…" Max started to interrupt.

"SHUT UP…this isn't about you Max. I am talking now. I'm the fucked up one. No one had ever really listened to me except Ben, but he couldn't take it. He couldn't handle the fact that his precious blue lady couldn't save me from myself. He tried…but he left me too and I loved him so much because he did save me…" Jondy didn't know that she was crying until she tasted them on her lips. "And I just…I just want to be safe. I haven't felt safe since we left. I hated that place and everything it stood for but now I long for the security. I hate myself for leaving."

"But we're free now and…"

Jondy's snort of laughter stopped her from continuing. "Can you honestly sit there and tell me that we are FREE?"

Max stared at her not really knowing what Jondy was going to say or what she was getting at. Max had always believed and would always believe that they were free. Jondy stood from the chair she was sitting in and began to pace the room. She was waiting for Max to answer. "Yes, we are free."

Jondy's fierce green eyes turned to her. "Since when does running and hiding our entire lives make us free?" She waited a few moments giving Max time to answer. Max didn't answer, however, and looked at the ground. "And maybe we are free to live how we want to live but we will always be running and hiding and wondering when the next time will be. I'm not free Max…none of us are free."

"Haven't you ever heard the phrase freedom isn't free Jondy?" Max tries to argue but as soon as she said the words she wanted to take them back.

Jondy stared into her eyes and knew that Max had realized what she'd said. "Exactly. And everyone has different ideas of freedom but this is what I wanted. I didn't want any of this. I didn't want to live out of garbage cans, steal for a living, I didn't want to work at a bar where men grabbed at me and told me what they wanted to do with me. My idea of freedom wasn't what I have gone through since I left Manticore."

"It wasn't for any of us Jondy, it's called life. Life isn't all fun and games. It's full of pain and you have to work and fight for everything you have and want."

"And that's not my idea of freedom. We may not be stuck in Manticore but we are still slaves. Slaves to our jobs, slaves to our bosses, we are all slaves to money. You are basing our freedom and lives on material possessions. What kind of life is that?" Jondy dropped back down into her chair. "I guess life couldn't get any better then this huh? I'm addicted to coke and the one person I've ever truly loved is gone. The only person that has every understood that us escaping may have been the worst decision of our lives."

"Ben wasn't healthy…he didn't have a grip on reality, he was stuck in between Manticore and the real world." Max tried to rationalize it but each word made the smirk on Jondy's face deepen.

"Yeah, I guess anyone who dares to challenge the decisions we all made and to question the great Max, Zack, and Zane. Well you know what? Maybe Ben and I are fucked up but we are the only ones who seem to have any idea about what the real world is like? And Ben wasn't fucking stuck in between here and Manticore, he was fucking lost in a world that he knew he could never be apart of. No one can help us." Jondy's voice fell to just above a whisper. "We can't even help ourselves."

Max stood and walked towards her, her own tears falling silently. She took a deep breath and ran her fingers over Jondy's head wincing at the brown bob. She was playing dirty and she knew there was only one way to get her back. Max and the rest of them had to make her believe in them again and it wasn't going to be easy. But they were going to have to try. 


	6. I'm With You

_Day Twenty-One_

_So we cried together. I'm not even sure if everything I said to her had made since…I guess she has an idea now of why I am the way I am but she doesn't know all of it. I don't want to talk to any of them about Ben. For as much as Zack had been around the last couple months before he left me, you'd think he would have tried to help us. The more I got into partying and having fun at all costs, testing every drug I could get my hands on before finding the one that could get me the most high the quickest, the more Ben came to realize that the lady had failed us._

_Poor Ben…he never did stop believing in her and I never tried to tell him. Not that it would have worked. There was nothing that any of us could have said to him to make him realize that the lady wasn't real…that she was something we had all wanted to believe in because we didn't have hope for anything else. So Ben had his blue lady and I had my cocaine, they were both ways for us to run from a world that we didn't belong in. _

_We were always running from something…trying to run to something, anything. That was how Ben saved me and I saved him._

**__**

**__**

**_San Francisco, CA ::  2016  July  14_**

Jondy fell to her knees, grabbing a pillar to steady herself, and gasped for air. Genetically empowered or not, there was only so much her body could take before it began to fatigue. She hadn't eaten in days, her clothes were reduced to nothing but rags, and her body was covered in bruises, scratches, and cuts from what he had done to her. 

Just as her eyes began to drift shut she heard the footsteps above her. She pulled herself up, every muscle in her body screaming in agony. Her eyes darted around her and she took off in what should have been a sprint but was now only a mild run. She bit her lips not to cry out as the salt of the water began to saturate the cuts and the scratches. Despite the pain she slipped under the waves, the cool water was a welcome release to the rest of her body.

It seemed like hours but only ten minutes later she came up for air and so that she was quite a distance from the boardwalk. She swam towards shore and crawled up to the beach and collapsed. Ben had found her hours later, with her right cheek resting on the sand, her hands grabbing at the sand above her head and her legs lay to the left.

He felt something tug at his heart. She was covered from head to toe in sand. Her clothes were ripped to shreds. Cuts, bruises, and scratches marred her tan skin. He started to pick her up and was surprised when her eyes flew open and she turned on her back and started to fight him away. Ben backed up with his hands held out in surrender. 

Jondy got onto her feet and brushed her damp hair back from her face. She stared at him, not really knowing who he was. He reminded her of Zack and his eyes seemed so familiar. She licked her dry and cracked lips. The coppery taste of blood and sand lingered in her mouth before she spoke. "Who are you?"

"Jondy…it's Ben."

Jondy relaxed from her fighting stance and fell to her knees. Tears ran down her face as she sobbed and held her arms out to him. "Ben, help me…please."

He walked forward and wrapped his arms around her small frame, lifting her with ease. She couldn't have weighed more then a hundred and ten pounds. Her legs wrapped around his waist and her arms around his neck. She sobbed into his shoulder as he carried her away. 

It was hard to believe that Jondy had been running for days. The two of them had always been close. She had been in his squad and his friend ever since he could remember. He had helped her start a life, found her a nice place to live while she was younger, and made it perfectly clear that he was there if she ever needed him. He wasn't one who asked for help a lot. Even when it came to people he cared about, he would rather help them himself than to bring in other people to help with the aid. Zack, had called to tell him that Lydecker was chasing her, but he was in Seattle, looking for Max. Them catching Jondy had been second on his list of important things to do. Max would always be put first.

Looking down at her, relaxed below him, breathing deeply and peacefully, he wanted to take her into his arms and assure her that everything was going to be ok. He knew what defeat felt like, he knew what it meant to hurt so badly that you couldn't find a direction to get away from it, and he knew what it meant to feel like the world was crumbling down. They were outsiders in a broken world and he was starting to realize that they would never be happy.

But he didn't know much about how to deal with all of it. He relied heavily on his faith in the blue lady, but lately he wondered if she was even listening. There were times in his youth and in his life that he had to help friends out of situations that were dangerous to mental or physical health, and he believed that she had been there to help him. 

Even last night, he believed that she had led him to Jondy. He had been pushing people away people that mattered to him for years, but there had always been one person he couldn't push away even if he'd wanted too. Whenever he was feeling like life couldn't get any worse, Jondy would call him, just to talk and she would make him laugh and smile and try to find the bright side to everything, sometimes she did. The lady always brought him back to the one he couldn't push away. She had always brought him the one person who could help him.

And that someone was now resting on his lap, breathing softly, and turning to him for protection and help. If he did nothing, he would never forgive himself. She would never know the depths to which she had saved him. She had not only saved his life, she had saved his very soul. With every smile, every question, every touch, and every moment…she had saved him. There wasn't any way he could explain to her how much that had meant to him; how much it endeared her to him and made him cherish her.


	7. Going Under

_Day Twenty-Two_

_I woke today with dried tears on my face. I couldn't remember if I had fallen asleep while remembering Ben or if it had all been a dream. The days are slowly fading into one another and everything is going in slow motion. I still just want to go home._

_The shakes aren't as bad anymore. They've been replaced by headaches and cottonmouth. No matter how much water I drink I long for the bitter taste of rum or vodka. I would even settle for a simple glass of beer at this point. It seems lately that I'm always covered in a thin sheen of sweat and my eyes are having trouble focusing on people. They were all just a blur to me now. _

_I could hear them but I never really listened. I haven't heard from Max since we cried together. I think she's giving me space…something I wish all of them would do. Sometimes I think that they are all gone but when I roll to the left they are still staring through the window. Am I that much of a freak-show?_

_I'm starting to like how quiet this place is and I'm starting to embrace the loneliness I feel. _

"Jondy?"

Jondy looked up at Max but didn't say anything. Max was holding what she assumed was clothing while Krit carried in a jug of water and some apples. They were walking on eggshells around her, not that she would ever blame them. "Where have you been?"

Jondy almost smacked herself. Asking that question meant she had noticed and that was something she didn't want Max to know, but it was too late. Speaking before thinking was something she was good at.

"I had to go back to Terminal City, make sure that everything is running okay." Max set the clothes down at the foot of her bed. "I brought you some clothes to change into." Max stared into Jondy's eyes that as children had been a vibrant blue-green color. Now they were dull green and blood shoot, always filling with tears. 

"Why?"

"I was hoping that maybe in another week or so, you would go with me." Max wasn't going for subtlety. She had decided that the more they continued to treat her like a child, a freak, and the biggest failure they had ever met, the longer it was going to take to get her back. 

Jondy rolled her eyes and lay back in her bed. She stared up at the ceiling, taking deep and even breaths. She could feel the tingling sensations crawling over her skin and the beads of sweat began to form. She was about to have a meltdown right in front of Max. "Just leave. BOTH of you jest leave me alone."

And it wasn't that she wanted them to leave. She didn't want them to see her. Max and Krit reluctantly left the room, glancing back as the door shut. Jondy rolled onto her stomach and gripped at the sheets as her stomach muscles cramped up and seemed to squeeze the warmth she'd been feeling away. The pain was almost a welcome release from the loneliness…

Max and Krit watched from the window, where she wouldn't be able to see them, and cried. Both wondering if she would ever get better.

A few hours later Jondy's knock on the small window startled Max and Krit out of their conversation. Max pulled the door open a little and looked in at her. "Good afternoon."

Jondy nodded. "I feel like getting some fresh air."

Max and Krit looked at each other, deciding if it would be safe to let her out for a little bit. Max gave a slight nod and opened the door wider. Jondy wouldn't run away. Even if she tried she wouldn't be a threat to them. Jondy followed Krit, down a long dark hallway. She guessed it had to be an abandoned building. The further they got down the hallway the stronger the scent of the ocean became.

"I've missed that smell." Jondy almost smiled.

Krit glanced over his shoulder at her. "What smell?"

"The ocean, the salt, the water and sand…" Jondy blinked against the light that began to stream through the doorless entryway. It took a few moments for her eyes to adjust to the brightness but what she saw was enough to warm her frozen heart. They were in an abandoned building off the coast of the Pacific Ocean. 

Max took a seat on a fallen palm tree. Krit had chosen to follow Jondy at a distance, as she walked down the shore. She breathed the air in deeply and let it out slowly. The sunlight on her skin felt amazing. It had been so incredibly long since she'd been outside. Everything seemed newer to her now. The water was bluer, the waves bigger, the sun was brighter, and the air was cleaner. She looked down at her feet and watched the water roll over them. The coppery color the sand was turning caused her to pause and take a seat. And she cried.

**__**

**_New York, NY :: 2019 April 05_**

**__**

Jondy fingered the small cold plastic ziplock bag that lay in her jacket pocket. Jondy lingered in the doorway like the stale air that had filled the hotel room. The fan attached to the ceiling rotated slowly, barely moving any of the oxygen and cigarette smoke that hovered like a mist. He sat on the couch, his legs straddled like a trailer trash truck driver, a burning cigarette hanging limp from his mouth. His eyes glazed over as he blinked slowly, as if he was trying to stay awake. She coughed from the smoke and wandered inside. He had been gone when she left, he never told her where he would disappear too.  

She walked up to him, pulled the cigarette from his mouth, and put it to hers, taking a long drag and trying her best not to hack up her mangled lungs. Her lip-gloss left a ring around the stick as she handed it back to him. He didn't bother wiping the lip-gloss off as he pushed it between his lips.

"Where were you?" 

He put his beer to his lips and took a long drink as his eyes burned into her. He never answered her and he wondered why she still asked. Hell, he was surprised that she seemed somewhat sober. It must have taken her awhile to get her hands on the very thing that he knew resided in one of her pockets. He wasn't sure how much more the both of them could take. Lately, they didn't even speak. 

Jondy sighed sadly. "What is going on with you?" 

Ben was going for shock factor now. If the blue lady couldn't help her, how could he? Drunk and sick, he gave out a wheeze as he pulled a steak knife from the table next to him. Disgustingly, he drug the blade the width of his left arm and left a cavern filling with his own blood. He leaned back and sighed, as if the sickness in him was leaving with his warm fluids. 

He handed the knife to her. 

She stared at it, at his blood drying on the silver blade. She looked at her distorted reflection and a straggling tear escaped her green eyes and screamed a black trail down her cheek. She sighed, and brought the knife to her already scarred arm. She stopped. She breathed. 

"Just do it." His voice was husky with lethargy and smoke. His eyes were burning holes into her, trying to figure out where the two of them had managed to fail the blue lady.

She dug the knife into her pale skin, but stopped again. With a deep breath, she handed the knife back to him. Her eyes full of stinging tears, she glared at him and whispered, "Don't try to fix me. I'm not broken." 

He looked at her with confusion, as if he was having trouble comprehending what she was saying. He coughed and hacked and took another shot of beer. With one quick motion, he sliced his arm again, and leaned back to enjoy the pain. "Go and do your thing then."

She wiped at her tears nonchalantly and pulled the packet from her pocket. She had a half of mind to dump its contents onto the floor, but it was the only way for her to escape the pain and lately to escape Ben. His looks of disgust and his condescending words and the fact that he had stopped trying.

Jondy walked over to the other couch and picked up the broken piece of mirror. She dumped the white power onto the surface of the glass and pulled the razor blade out of the other pocket. Ben looked away. He couldn't watch her. If he saw her do it then it meant it was true. He winced as she sniffed.

"I'm so tired of being here…" She whispered with her eyes closed. 

"What?" 

With a lick of her lips, her dazed green eyes slid over to him. He couldn't tell anymore if she was crying or if watery eyes were part of this. Jondy stood up and began to roam around the hotel room. She disappeared into their bedroom and reappeared in clothes that didn't do much to hide the parts of her body that only he'd seen.

"Where the hell are you going?" He demanded in a drunken stupor. 

"Out…away…anywhere."

Ben jumped up and threw his can of beer. "I can't take much more of this."

Jondy's eyes welled with tears. Blood was dripping from his arms and onto the floor and his jeans. He saw the disgust in her eyes and stormed over to her. He grabbed a fistful of curly brown hair and threw her across the room and into the couch he'd been sitting it. Jondy rolled from the couch and onto the floor, the pain wasn't registering and it almost made her laugh. She stumbled to her feet and Ben grabbed her arms and pulled her up. She hung limply and stared up at him through half open eyes.

"You are pathetic." He dropped her onto the couch and sat down next to her. "And you aren't going anywhere."

Jondy didn't have the strength to fight against him. She looked down at one of his arms and saw that the cut had begun to heal. The dried blood was slowly turning from brown to black. She laid her head back against his chest and listened to the beating of their hearts. And he was so warm…

"I don't know how to help you." Ben whispered after a few minutes of silence.

Jondy let her tears fall. "And I don't know how to help you."

"We're dying Jondy, one minute at a time." 

Jondy only closed her eyes. 

"Jondy…"

Jondy looked up from her memory that had played out in the water lapping at her feet. She saw that the sun was beginning to set in brilliant layers of yellow, orange, red, and pinks. She stood and walked with Krit back to the building. She hadn't known how long she had been just sitting there, but she was glad she had. 


	8. Out of Reach

_I'm kind of jumping around with the Ben flashbacks…not too much…but if you start to get confused just look at the dates? I'm glad that those of you who are reading this like the story, I wasn't sure how well it would go over. _

Jondy stared at the makeshift bathtub and rolled her eyes. Max had claimed she was starting to smell, but she didn't really care. She pulled off her clothes, always aware of Syl's eyes that were watching her. Most likely taking note of the many scars and the way you could almost see her bones through the pale skin.

She slipped into the torrid water and sighs as the warmth of the water rushes over her body and soothes the pain. Flashes of Ben's hands on her body and the way they would cuddle run through her mind. And pain is mind numbing. Her eyes and face are full of sorrow as she wonders what it would be like to not exist. She takes a deep breath and submerges her head under the waterline. She stays under until she sees Syl bend over the tub. 

Jondy squeezes some soap into her hands and she grimaces at just how sickly she looks, at how skinny she had become. The whole thought of bathing was becoming tiresome. She sped up the process and was soon pulling herself out of the water. She wrapped the sheet Syl had brought in around her body. 

"I'll leave you to get dressed." Syl dropped a bag by a mirror she hadn't noticed before.

Jondy wondered if that had been the plan. She wanted to avoid it, but it's like a drug. What you know id bad for you, you want it more. And looking at herself in the mirror would either be satisfying, to know that yes, she was dieing or it would scare her. Scare her so much that her own body and mind would turn on her to get better.

She was in front of the mirror and she hadn't even realized she was moving. Her eyes instantly squeezed shut as she let the sheet fall. The cool air hit her skin but that was the least of her worries. She ran her hands through what was left of her hair, maybe it would help, but she wasn't counting on it. A deep breath was taken and her eyes snapped open.

Her bottom lip was turning red from how hard she was biting down on it. Her eyes drunk everything in with anguish. It was no wonder she was in pain all the time. Her skin looked so wax like and paper thin that she was afraid to touch it, for fear the it would tear. Her bones protruded from her body and if you looked at them just right you could almost see the muscle deteriorating. Her eyes were about to analyze her hair, before she caught site of her face.

Her eyes, once so alive and dancing with mischief and curiosity were dull. They begged, wished, and pleaded for something, anything that would tell them that life would come back to this body. And suddenly it was as if the room had become cold. So cold that she swore that she could see her breath materializing and in them she saw his eyes. His own green eyes staring back at her. 

"Ben…please." Her voiced floated up and into the air like a melancholy song. Yearning for his touch, his voice, and the man. "I just need someone to listen to me…really listen to me Ben…"

Her words seem to blow the image from her eyes and she is left alone, again. In her mind he has never stopped leaving her and her memories are nothing more then a way to punish her.  

Jondy grabbed the bag of clothes and pulled on the sweatpants and red long-sleeved shirt. She pulled the socks on, enjoying them for a few moments before turning her attention back to the mirror. Before she knew what was happening, she held a large discarded board in her hands. Lydecker would have been disappointed to know that it was almost too heavy for her. A she screamed. A long deep scream full of complete and utter anguish and despair as she lifted the board above her head. Syl and Max came running into the room, but not in time.

"Why did you leave?" She screamed as the board came down and the mirror was broken into a thousand pieces just as she was. The three of them stood in the silence that followed. Jondy crying, Max and Syl in shock and staring at the shards of the mirror.

Jondy turned and looked at the two of them. They seemed scared. Like she was some kind of monster that was on the very edge of sanity. And maybe she was, but she felt like saying something. "I'm sorry for who I am, who I've become, and who I'm letting myself be. My life is not in my hands anymore. I can't control myself anymore. My life was flipped upside down when he walked out that door. I can't _BE _without him."

She held up her hands when they started walking towards her. She leaned against the wall and stared at them. Zane and Krit, who had been standing just outside the door, inched their way through the door and stood behind Max and Syl. They were all confused. She was nothing but a roller coaster of emotions and insults. 

Jondy shook her head. "I'm tired."

And the four of them didn't say anything as she walked past them. What could they say?

**_San Francisco, CA :: 2016 July 17_**

**__**

She wasn't even fully awake and her hands were already searching for him. Crawling their way up the bed, over the pillow, and tangling in the soft locks of his hair. He was lying on his stomach, his face turned towards her, with his hands under the pillow. She imaged it was the way children would sleep.

The slender fingers slid down from his hair and started to trace over his eyes brows, down his nose, along his jaw. Memorizing him. If he was anything like Zack, he wouldn't be staying long. Ben woke when her fingers rubbed against his lips, wondering what they would feel like on hers. 

He kissed them and smiled when she jumped back with a laugh. "What time is it?"

"It's almost three in the morning." Jondy cuddled up to his side and breathed in his clean smell. "I could get used to waking up like this."

Ben turned so that he could wrap his arms around her and yawned. "Or falling asleep like this."

Jondy giggled and kissed the underside of his chin. "You should sing me to sleep. Remember when you used to do that back at Manticore?"

Ben groaned. "It was more like humming and Zack woke up once…that was terrible."

Jondy attempted to get closer to him but her body was already flush with hers. "Yes…and he about killed both of us and you couldn't sing to me for almost three weeks…"

Ben moved her so that his lips were near her ear. "Down here in the atmosphere, garbage and city lights. You've gone to save your tired soul. You've gone to save our lives. I turned on the radio, to find you on satellite. I'm waiting for this sky to fall, I'm waiting for a sign and all we are, is all so far!"

Jondy almost cried. The times back at Manticore when he would sing her to sleep had been one of the things that she had missed the most. She would have gone back to Manticore to hear him sing just one more time. It was worth the weight to hear him singing actual words.

"Hope you remember me, when you're homesick, and need a change. I miss your shaved hair. I miss the way you taste.

I know you'll come back someday, on a bed of nails I'll wait. I'm praying that you don't burn out, or fade away. And all we are, is all so far! You're falling back to me, the star that I can see yeah. I know you're out there, somewhere out there. You're falling out of reach, defying gravity yeah. I know you're out there, somewhere out there." Ben smoothed back her hair from her ear when he felt her tears through his thin cotton shirt. "Shh…Jon, everything is okay now…it's going to be okay. We're together now…"

Max stared down at Jondy as she smiled in sleep. She had heard about people smiling while they slept but she had never actually seen it, or seen it done by someone so deserving. If only she would smile when she was awake. Jondy was always the one to get in trouble for giggling or laughing while at Manticore. Max had always thought that if anyone were to be happy while they were out of Manticore it would be Jondy. Her smile and those blue-green eyes had a way of lighting up a room. 

Max looked down when Jondy's hands flew out and clutched at the sheets. She sat up and breathed heavily. Max sat back causing the chair to creak and Jondy's head flew to her. "What are you doing?"

"I was just watching you Jon."

Jondy sighed deeply and dropped back down onto the bed. "Don't call me Jon."

"Are you okay?"

Jondy closed her eyes. "You never fail to amaze me. Who really asks a fucking drug addict if they're okay?"

"I just…you had a nightmare…"

"It wasn't a nightmare, it was a memory. It was a dream, something I can never get back." Jondy licked her lips. "Everything is always just out of our reach, isn't it?"

Her words were full of truth. She thought of everything that had and was happening with her and Logan. "It seems that way sometimes."

"Do you think there will ever be a day when we will be happy…" Jondy surprised Max when she turned and faced her. "I mean where we can be happy and not have to worry about when it will be taken away?"

Max shrugged. "I like to think so."

"I imagine that is what heaven is like." Jondy's brow furrowed in thought and it made Max smile. "I imagine it to be like waking up in bed. Cuddling up to the person you love and you're so warm it's almost suffocating. All your senses would be alive…"

Max closed her eyes and imagined herself waking up next to Logan. "And no matter what you do you'll never be close enough."

Jondy smiled. "Yeah…I imagine that is what heaven is."

_Lyrics are from Our Lady Peace "Somewhere out there."_


	9. Time to Deal

Day Twenty-Four 

_I had a long talk with Max last night. Sometimes I think that her and I really aren't that different, but then reality sets in and I know that we are really nothing alike. It was nice to just lie there and talk to her. It was almost like being back at Manticore. I decided that I would go back to this Terminal City with her. I figure it couldn't hurt…and if I absolutely hated it I could just leave. You could never run from life enough._

_Oh another note, I'm about tired of crying. I don't know when it happened, but it seems like I can't stop crying. Sometimes I won't even know I'm crying until one of them looks at me with pity, or I feel the drops run down my face or taste them on my lips. Maybe this is part of the getting sober process? But it's getting quite annoying. _

_I keep having dreams of Ben and sometimes I think I see him. I can feel his eyes on me and there's nothing I can do to get away from them. Every now and then I sense him. Like when I'm just starting to fall asleep, it's like the warmth in the room is sucked away and I just feel that he is in the room. He used to sit and watch me sleep. And while I know he isn't in the room and his eyes aren't on me, it still makes me feel uncomfortable. And I have to wonder why? I loved him so much but I hated when he would stare. _

_The others didn't stare, only watched. I was a freak show after all._

"We're probably going to be leaving sometime tomorrow. I know you don't have much of anything to pack, but I just wanted to let you know." Zane strolled into the room and fell into the chair next to her. 

"Okay." Jondy didn't really like talking to Zane. He really was so much like Zack. 

"You're doing the right thing." Zane nodded and lit a cigarette.

"I'm so glad you approve." Jondy's voice came out a little harsher then she intended and Zane's eyes narrowed. Probably wondering if it was the right decision after all. Not that he had much say. Max seemed to be the one in charge. She was the one they depended on. "I hate the smell of cigarette smoke."

Zane gave her a look. "Didn't Ben smoke?"

"Not often." 

Zane stubbed out his cigarette and shook his head. "I will never understand you will I?"

Jondy shrugged. "No one will ever really understand this girl."

"Because you won't let them?"

"Because they couldn't handle it." Jondy smirked when he rolled his eyes. She picked her notebook back up and chewed on the pen. 

"We are going to help you Jondy. We are going to do everything possible to make sure you stay clean and get healthy. Whether you believe us or not, we love you. You're our baby sister."

If only they would have felt this way before she turned into a basket case. Jondy's green eyes shifted to his brown eyes. He was good looking, held a certain bad boy appeal. His hair was always messy and he was always in need of a shave. "I hope so Zane…because if there is a next time. I don't think I will be given another chance."

"Just trust us Jon. Trust us and stop pushing us away."

Jondy nodded. "I'm trying. I am really trying."

_Day Twenty Four continued…_

_God help me I almost believe them. I want to believe them. I want to think they are sincere. But what if I'm wrong? What if things happen the way they did before? Can I handle it? I want to see the future. I want to know if they are gonna leave me high and dry the moment they get a chance. Will the rest hate me? Will they be nasty to my face? I don't know if I'd rather have them hate me openly or pretend to like me and just hate me behind my back. I don't want to deal with that shit. I don't want to deal with anyone's shit. I will probably hate the rest._

_I wish I had a dollar for every time I used that word in this damn journal. Hate, hate, hate. Three more bucks. God, I'm losing my mind. It's driving me crazy._

_I'm not in the best of moods today. I still think about using. Sometimes I still want to. It's really a good thing that I've agreed to go with them because I know that if I'd have stayed there's no way I would have stayed clean. I'm not sure when exactly the realization came that I wanted to. I just couldn't lose them again. I couldn't lose Max again._

_It's so confusing. Dealing with the cravings and the memories and everything plus at the same time dealing with them, coming and going. It makes it so much harder to get through each day and yet, at the same time it . . . gives me a reason to._

_That was hard to write. Am I doing this for the wrong reasons? Am I straightening up for them? If they leave will I be strong enough to stay straight? Will I care? I don't want that. I don't want to live for other people. I've already tried that. I just want to just be me. I just want to be me without having to depend on them, is that possible? Right now…I just don't know._

_Tomorrow is another day, however. _

The next day Jondy sat waiting patiently as the other three walked in and out of her room. Checking on her, reassuring her that this was the best decision. Always telling her that _they_ were going to make her better. In small ways each of them already had. She hadn't seen Max all morning, so when she showed up later that afternoon, with a smile, Jondy had known it was time.

She had already dressed in a pair of jeans that should have been tight but barely clung to her hips. She wore a long sleeved T-shirt that Max had picked out. Most likely to hid the long vertical scars that ran up either arm. They weren't all that noticeable anymore, but if you looked hard enough or the light hit it just right…they appeared. It wasn't something she had ever told them about, let alone a complete stranger if they happened to see and ask questions.

"You look like you're ready to get the hell out of here." Max practically skipped in the room. You could almost taste how excited she was. 

Jondy nodded. "I look stupid."

"Why?"

"I can't believe I cut all my hair off…and these clothes don't even fit me." Jondy sighed. "I look like an scarecrow."

Max tried not to laugh. "You look beautiful. Your hair isn't all that bad, the curls are coming back in…you'll gain weight and we'll get you some clothes that fit."

"How are we leaving?"

"Syl and Krit left a few minutes ago, Zane is going to ride my bike back and me and my friend Logan are going to take you to TC." Max picked up the small bag that held what little possessions the girl owned. "Sound alright?"

Jondy shrugged. "I don't really have a choice. Is Logan the guy you were telling me about the other night?"

Max nodded and looked down. "Let me go get him."

Jondy stood up pulled on a pair of tennis shoes, also too big. She supposed it didn't matter. She would only be sitting in a car. It took her a few minutes to remember how to tie the laces. She was used to wearing boots that either buckled or zipped. Tennis shoes were hard to find these days. 

"Jon."

Jondy's head flew up at Max's voice. Beside her stood a tall blond haired guy. He was a little scrawny and kind of scruffy looking. Not at all what she had pictured. Jondy took a few steps towards the. She assumed he was also taking in what she looked like. There was no way she was what he had pictured.

"Jondy this is Logan, Logan this is my baby sister Jondy." Max grinned, almost proudly, which made Jondy's stomach churn.

"Hey." Jondy shook his hand.

"Well it's nice to finally meet you Jondy. I've heard so much about you." Logan squeezed her hand gently, with a small smile and a head nod.

Jondy looked at Max, wondering just how much he knew. "Yeah, I've only heard a little about you."

"Hopefully all good things." Logan teased, but Jondy didn't smile.

"If you call the virus a good thing…then yes. Otherwise I think it's a rather sad arrangement." Jondy's voice stayed even, calm, she was only stating what she felt. 

Logan's face froze. He hadn't seen that coming. "Oh…well I mean _that _is of course not a good thing…"

Jondy shrugged. "I was just messing with you."

She wasn't but the Max looked like she wanted to smack her and the room had become tense all of a sudden. A little too tense even for her, she turned around and grabbed her bag as well as her journal. Max smiled and took the bag from her.

"We should get going. We have a long drive." Logan turned and walked out into the hallway. 

Jondy followed him out into the hallway. The three of them got comfortable in Logan's Aztech. Jondy had stretched out across the backseat with her journal. Max had decided to drive, letting Logan get some sleep in the reclined position of the passenger seat. Classical music played softly while Max hummed along with it. It was a boring ride to say the least. Jondy had spent a lot of the time writing.

_Day Twenty-Five_

_Should I call them days anymore? I mean in a way I am out of "rehab" now. I guess I was there today…tomorrow I'll have to start using actual dates. Right now I couldn't even tell you what today is…_

_Where should I begin? Well I met Logan. He's not as cute as I expected. I never imagined him as a blond or as old as he was. He talks weird, like he just woke up. I wonder if he always talks like that…He was nice though, I guess. We didn't talk much. It didn't help that I offended him, but that's not what I had been going for. Max hadn't seemed too happy with my comment either. Oh well, I have never been one to make anyone happy just for the sake of not making them upset. I'm surprised the two of them don't have thicker skin by now. If I went around getting upset over every insult someone through my way, I'd probably be in jail for murder._

_I wish Max would stop humming. The girl is about tone deaf…_

_So we are on our way to Max's world. I'm assuming it's better then my world and my world with Ben. Although I would go back to Ben's world, as fucked up as it was, in a second. I would probably make better choices if I could…or maybe I wouldn't change anything. I can't help but wonder about what is going to happen. I guess I will find out in a few hours. _

_…I'm hoping that maybe Ben will be there waiting for me._


	10. New Life

**I just wanted to say that this story is far from over. I have a lot of issues and memories I want to get into. I have a lot more story to cover, not sure if I will do it all here, or my website because this is actually the first story in a series of three. Anyways, thanks for the feedback and replies, especially Black Rose ****J**

_______________________________

"So this is where the X5 series live." Max pointed to a five-story building to their immediate right and left. "We call them barracks, just so everyone understands. There are still a few that prefer Manticore ways, then those that are just confused."

Jondy looked at the other buildings that surrounded them. "So how many transgenics are here?"

Max shrugged. "It varies from day to day. Some are out on supply runs, so are out making contact with others, and some are at other bases in other cities."

"It all seems a little unorganized."

"It was at first, but there are a few of us that always know what is going on at all times. We have excellent communications with those outside and at other bases…but let's get you inside and comfortable then I'll begin to tell you all about it."

Jondy followed her to the building on the left. The climbed the four stories of stairs and down the hall. When they stopped at room 452, she couldn't stop the roll of her eyes. At any other time she probably would have smiled, but now it just seemed a little egotistical. "So I'm rooming with you?"

"Just for a couple weeks, see how well you do." Max explained after choosing her words carefully.

"I guess you want to make sure I'm a good little girl." She shrugged when Max turned and gave her a pitiful look. "It's okay I understand. I would do the same."

Jondy took in the apartment and decided it wasn't half bad. The walls looked a little old and peeling away in sections, but the carpet looked surprisingly clean, and the furniture, while aged, looked decent. She couldn't help but wonder if all the rooms, like most hotels, looked somewhat the same.

"Here's your room." Max threw open a door to her right, "I put you in the room closest to the bathroom."

Jondy peered into the room over Max's shoulder. It held a bed that had already been made up and a small desk with drawers. "That'll work." 

Max nodded. "If you want more furniture or something, let me or Logan know. We'll see what we can do otherwise we just take what we are given. It's not the greatest place…"

"It's fine Max. All I really need is a bed…maybe a chair, but I can make one myself." Jondy dropped her bag on the floor and walked through the living room. There was no TV, which was okay. She really wasn't much of a TV watcher. She dropped onto the dark green couch that was ripped in a few places. "So tell me more about this place. I may as well learn it all now."

Max took off her jacket and draped it over the back of a brown chair with wooden armrests and a high back. She could almost imagine that tiny gold tassels once dangled freely from the bottom. "Want something to drink?"

"Water is fine." Jondy picked at her fingernails, deciding that she would fix up her own room once she got there.

Max handed her a bottle of water and dropped down into the chair with a sigh. Her feet instantly came up and rooted themselves on the old oak coffee table that creaked in protest. "So you know where the X5 series live…well the other series are all around us. The X4 series and the X7 series are the closest to the perimeter. They are the ones that volunteered to patrol. I don't really trust those X7's but so far they've behaved. The X8 are just kids. I think the oldest is around nine. They are next door to us, between us and the X6's."

"Hold up, what's the difference between the series…I mean are they better then us?" Jondy sipped her water and laid her head back.

"The X7 are better. They are the perfect soldiers Manticore wanted, but they are still young. It wasn't hard to get them to start seeing things our way…that's where the whole I don't trust them issue comes in." Max paused, collecting her thoughts. "As for the X6's…from what I can tell they are just like us, maybe a little smarter, but then we are the superior officers so they don't have a problem letting us run things."

"So the X5's are in charge?"

"Yes and no. We have given each of the series, except the X7's, a commanding officer and second in command. They are even broke down into squads, just so that we have an idea of how many soldiers we have here. It just makes things easier to have a structure, even if it is a Military structure." Max took a long drink from her water and shifted in her seat. "The X8's are just kids, like I said…we still give them a say though, it is their future too."

"What about the other series…"

"There are no living X1's, X2's well I'm assuming they all died in the fire or maybe were killed. There are only a few X3 here and they usually just stick to the sewer tunnels. They guard them as well as a few X7's. X4's are hard to handle. They are like us just not as smart and nowhere near as strong. They are more like civilians then anything else." 

Jondy watched a little smiled play over Max's features. "And…"

"And then there are the special ops soldiers. Joshua, who is more of a breakthrough then a soldier, is one of my good friends. You'll meet him when the time is right, he can't wait to meet you. Then there are tech soldiers…they look a little funny but they are the nicest people you'll ever meet and incredibly smart. Then there are the donor soldiers that were made specifically for the purpose of blood transfusions for injured soldiers. Some excel in logistics and statistics, some can control minds…I mean they even made mer-people, desert op soldiers…which may freak you out a little, and even cold weather soldiers." Max sighed sadly. "We were only guinea pigs to them. Some of them look a little different, but they are each special."

"So this place is just like one big freak show to everyone outside of it." Jondy took another long drink from her water and stood up. "Well I'm going to take a nap I supposed."

"I'll go and get us something to eat. If you need anything, Syl, Krit, and Zane are right across the hall." 

Jondy kicked the tennis shoes she wore off and grabbed her notebook. She shut the door halfway then fell onto the bed. She sighed with content. This bed was a hell of a lot more comfortable then the one she'd been in previously.

_Terminal City, Seattle WA :: 12 March 2022 _

_I can't help but wonder what's going to happen. Hope a little, fear a lot. My entire life has changed over the course of a few hours and it scares me and excites me at the same time. A world unlike I've ever experienced awaits, full of new people, new races and hopefully new friends. But I know that along with it will come the new stresses, the new worries and problems. The possibility of new pain. It's there in everything you do. Every choice you make, every choice you don't._

_It's crazy really. The really fucked up part is that if I'm honest, all I want to do is get away from this place and go back to San Francisco. I'll probably never stop saying that. Never. And I'm sure I'll like it here but…this is so fucking scary. The past few weeks that I've spent with Max and the others have been a living hell but they have also, in a very small way, been so comforting. And for the first time since he walked out the door I'm starting to feel safe. But now I'm racing into the fear all over again and I'm not sure if I'm ready. At least I won't be alone. I hope._

_Then on top of the fear comes the "what ifs" about the other Manticore freaks. What if they don't like me? What if they think I'm a druggie and they don't trust me? What if they are just the dicks I've always assumed they'd be? What if Max goes back to the way she was and I end up alone and bored and what if I can't control the urge that I still feel at times. _

_And if they think I'm just going to sit in the damn building in some room all day long, they are crazy. And if they think I'm just going to be their lap dog, following them around all day, then they will soon learn that I don't have patience for anyone who treats me like a child. Even if I do tend to act like one occasionally._

_I'm not sure I like how this place is run. She was trying to convince me that it's organized and that she knows everything that is going on, but I know she doesn't. She claimed there were people guarding the sewer tunnels but that was how we'd gotten into this god-forsaken place and I hadn't seen one soldier guarding it. I had seen soldiers on the roofs and I thought I had seen a few patrolling, that will let me sleep easier. _

_And as for the chain of command, the whole system seems…_

Jondy sat straight up in her new bed and looked around the room. Her pen had jumped when the first thump had startled her. She'd lain stark still and waited to see if something moved in her room. Several minutes passed and she began to relax and then it had come again. _Thump._ Something was outside her window.

Tap. Tap. Tap. "Jon." She barely heard the hissed name before she saw a series of flashes and realization hit.

"Jesus Christ." She mumbled as she flung the covers off and dropped her bare feet to the floor. That moron was at her window.

The window was slow to open and she had to help with one hand once she got it started. "Have you lost your god damned mind? What are you doing up here?"

"Remembering. Were you sleeping?"  
  
"Almost…you scared the ever lovin' shit out of me you freak. What are you doing here?"

"Remember that time me, you, and Ben got in trouble because we snuck outside to catch fire flies?"

"What the hell are you talking about? Yes, of course I remember."

"You never told Lydecker it was my idea. I always felt so bad. I never said thank you though."

He was quiet for several seconds. Something was wrong. No, this wasn't that person. This was _her Zane_…she knew it with every fiber of her being. She reached for the table a few feet away and switched on the lamp to its lowest setting. His face appeared, eyes red and swollen from tears and she felt her heart crumbled. 

"Oh Zane…"

"Remember how you got put on restriction and psy ops for a week? I think that was the longest seven days of our lives. Ben and I snuck down there twice to see you. Remember?"

"Yes…you brought me fireflies in a jelly jar. You two almost got caught stealing it from the mess hall."

"I guess that was our thank you. For not telling on us."

"Come in here. Before you fall. You should have just come to the door."

She reached for his arms and instead she ended up with a hand full of something cool. As she pulled it into the window her breath caught as she realized what it was. A mason jar…full of fire flies. 

"Well now I'm saying I'm sorry for not being there for you. I'm sorry I let you down…"

By the time he pulled his lanky frame into the small window and had tumbled into a pile in the carpet Jondy was bawling. Zane tried to pull the jar away and set it aside but she wouldn't let go of it. Instead he pulled her against himself, Jondy's hot tears caused her shirt to cling to her skin as they disappeared somewhere down her neck beneath her collar. Hours later she lay sleeping in Zane's arms neither of them having said another word. Zane carried her to her bed and tucked her beneath the covers. When Zane opened the door to leave her room, he looked back at Jondy who was still holding the jar of fireflies, and he was happy.


	11. Hurt Me

_This is kind of a filler chapter…and I just wanted to say that the 3 part "series" I was talking about isn't just for Jondy…it's a little project I am creating in my mind. This story has quite a ways to go, however, one at a time __J___

-----------------------------------

Alec sat with his feet up on the coffee table and his hands crossed behind his head. He was trying unsuccessfully to look around Max and at the TV behind her, but she only turned around and shut it off.

"What do you want?"

Max stood with her arms crossed in front of her. "I have to talk to you about something."

"So talk."

"It's serious Alec…" 

His eyes narrowed and studied her for a moment. "Why do I get the feeling that I'm not going to like whatever it is you're about to say?"

Max sat down next to him and sighed. "Okay, so you know my baby sister is here…"

"Is she hot?" Her eyes turned to him and the seriousness that he saw caused his chuckle to freeze in his throat. "Okay…sorry."

"She was with Ben…for almost four years…"

Alec ran a hand through his messy blond hair. "So…"

"So from what I can tell they we very close, up until Ben started having his break down and she started having her own. The more she got into drinking and drugs, the more he felt that the blue lady had given up on them, on us. It could be just the opposite…but he was the one that left." Max had explained it slowly and the seriousness of the situation was slowly dawning on him. "She took it pretty hard, was addicted to cocaine…it wasn't pretty."

"That's where you've been and why it took so long." Alec nodded and stared at the wall.

"She's a shell of herself to say the least. I'm not really sure if she even knows that Ben is dead. So I just…I wanted…"

"You want me to steer clear of her?"

"Just until I figure out how to approach the topic. Right now she doesn't think any of us are worthy of speaking his name."

Alec nodded. "I'll try my best."

Max stood up and walked towards the door. There was awkwardness in the room that neither of them were very comfortable with. "Thanks Alec…"

_13 March_

_I'm scared. My hands are shaking and I'm so hot and I just feel so wrong. It's not even 8 a.m. I woke up about 4 and I swear to god I could taste the cocaine. It was just there, on the back of my tongue, in my throat. And god I wanted it so bad. I don't want to be me anymore. I don't want to be here. One hit. That's all I want but I know that's all it would take to put me right back where I was. Part of me knows I don't really want to be there again…the rest of me just doesn't care. The rest of me wants to get so high that it doesn't matter that I don't sleep.. The rest of me wants to taste the candy so bad. I just can't do this anymore. I want to be…someone else._

_Sometimes I feel like there's this thing…watching me. The people they watch me…and this thing. It's just over there but I can't see it. It's waiting for me to fall. It's waiting for me to give in and I don't want to. I just want it to go away. I just want it to go away. I just…_

Jondy lay the pen down gently on the notebook. To the watchers eyes it was jerking wildly. She pushed the book away. She fidgeted, brushed her nose, looked to the right…to the left. Swallowing, her eyes widening slightly she slid closer to the headboard. If she were flat against it then it couldn't get behind her. Nothing could get behind her. She looked over her shoulder quickly. Nothing.

Slowly with her foot she reached pushing the notebook further away. It teetered for a moment on the edge of he bed before falling with a soft thump to the floor. The noise seemed to echo in her mind and she jerked, pressing harder against the smooth wood at her back. She pulled her feet in closer. "Go away."

**_New York, NY :: 2019 April 08_**

"God damn it Jondy!" Ben stomped from the bedroom, kicking and punching every piece of furniture, door, and wall that was in his way. 

Jondy lay sprawled out on the bed, clad only in a pair of shorts and a bra. Her brown hair was strung out in every direction and her hands were balled tightly above her head. Her now dull green eyes were dazed and if plausible her skin was even paler. The cause of her strung out state was laying in pieces on the floor next to a small ziplock baggie.

His hands pulled and griped at his hair before coming down on the coffee table breaking it in half. If he wasn't careful, the neighbors were going to call the cops, again. 

"Ben?" Jondy had managed to crawl from the bed and was now holding herself up in the doorway. Her eyes were now wide and a little fearful. 

Even now he wanted her. She screamed of innocence and of all things pure but he knew the truth. Looks could be deceiving and it was something he was learning all to well. He wanted to hold her, to pick her up in his arms and kiss her...and he almost went to her, but at that time her knees had given out and she had fallen into a fit of giggles. His anger flared. 

"I'm so fucking tired of this. Why do you do it? You were fine when I left." Ben stomped into the kitchen and grabbed the knife he'd left there earlier. The pattern of light that fell across his face was that of a steak knife. Sharp enough to cut through skin, but dull enough to get the message across. "Now you have to pay."

Jondy looked up as he walked towards her and she smiled. That is until she caught site of the knife. Her small wilted and she seemed to sober instantly. Ben didn't stop. It was his duty to teach her. To make her learn that this wasn't okay.

Jondy cried out when his right hand grabbed a hand full of her hair and pulled her away from the door, back into the bedroom. He pushed her towards the bed and shut the door. Jondy tried to crawl away from him, but his arms caught her around the waist and tossed her onto the bed. She rolled onto her back and watched him take off his belt. Jondy didn't have the energy to fight him and her mouth couldn't form the questions she wanted to ask.

"Roll onto your stomach." Ben's voice was full of venom. It scared her so much that she did as he asked. He ripped the bra from her body and shoved her hair up around her shoulders, exposing her back. "I don't want to hear one scream…not one scream Jondy."

And she didn't scream as the belt hit her. She only cried wondering why he would want to hurt her for trying to escape. She'd never once stopped him from going out and never once had she confronted him about what she knew he was doing. 

Ben hit her for what seemed like hours. It wasn't making him feel any better. The skin on her back was red and bruises were starting to form in places he'd hit more then a few times. He could hear her whimper every now and then and it was starting to tare at his heart. "Jon…"

Jondy buried her face in the bed and rolled away from him. Ben striped himself of his clothing and crawled into the bed. She pushed his arms away when they started to wrap around her. "Jon…please…"

Jondy sniffled a few times before turning in his arms. "Why Ben?"

"Shh…don't talk." He placed kisses wherever his mouth would reach. "Just let me make it feel better…"

They both knew that it would never feel better.

"Jondy…you alright?" Zane stared at her frozen position against the headboard. 

Jondy didn't move. "He is watching me…I can feel his eyes…"

Zane scanned the room and shook his head. "No one is in here Jondy…it's just me and you."

Jondy looked around, her breathing came in short, deep, gasps. She could almost feel the leather of his belt hitting her back. "It was…I just had a nightmare I guess."

"Looks like it." Zane was a little afraid to step any closer.

After a few minutes she relaxed and was now leaning against the headboard. Excuses were forming in her head. "It's just, I'm so tired but when I sleep I have these nightmares…and I wake up and it's like I didn't really get any sleep at all." 

"Do you want me to sit with you?"

Jondy shrugged. "I feel like such a baby and I'm not a baby Zane…"

"I won't think you're a baby. I promise."

"It's just…"

"Jondy, if you want me to sit with you, I will. There is no need to worry about what it would look like. You don't think you're a baby, I certainly don't think you're a baby, and neither do the others. Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks or you'll end up like Max." Zane teased and sat down on the bed next to her.

Jondy took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay. Just let me get my notebook."

"When are we going to get to read this notebook of yours?"

Jondy froze at his words and eventually looked over her shoulder at him. "Hopefully never."

Zane let it go at that and sat back against the headboard, much like the way she had been sitting. Jondy cradled the notebook in her hands and got comfortable under the covers. Maybe tonight she would be able to sleep.


	12. Remember

This is by far the longest chapter so far…it kind of got away from me. Anyways, I hope you like it. I took a couple days break, because I felt that maybe I was starting to rush this story, sorry for the delay but it may happen from time to time. Thanks for reading J

********

"You should start eating more." Max commented as Jondy picked at the eggs that had been placed before her. 

"I'm just not a big eater." Jondy grimaced and backed away from the table. "Especially eggs."

"I'll eat it." Krit reached over and slid her plate over to him. 

Jondy had to control her gag reflex as she watched the four other X5's eat with such enthusiasm. She had been truthful when she'd told them she wasn't a big eater. It helped that she had never been around an abundance of food after they'd escaped Manticore. And she wasn't one to just sit around, eating, while she could be out doing other things. In her opinion eating was a privilege and not a right.

She slid off her chair and stretched with a loud yawn. After a night of nightmare free sleep, she was feeling refreshed and knew that she would be okay with not sleeping for a few days. Today, however, she was worried about her codependence on people. Something she had tried to avoid was now a reoccurring nuisance. 

Jondy was dependent on Max, not only for lodging and food, but also for updates on what was going on, not only in TC but also in the world itself. The last few nights it had taken someone either sleeping with her or sitting with her for her to be able to get some sort of sleep. That had also fallen to Max and sometimes Zane who only did it out of circumstance. Syl, so far, was the only one who seemed to believe that she didn't need to be pitied or treated like a baby and Krit, was forever trying to make everything okay, which that in itself was adorable.

Like she would ever tell any of them that. Jondy slipped into her bedroom and changed into a pair of jeans Syl had brought her yesterday. A red T-shirt followed before she dropped onto her bed and pulled her journal out from it's hiding place under the pillow.

14 March

Things are going…well I suppose. No one is fighting. No one is hating anyone. That's good right? It should be, but sometimes I still feel just the slightest bit out of place. I suppose that should be expected though. It's like I'm in this…boring movie where everyday is like the rest.  

Everyday and night is becoming a battle for me. If I wanted to leave I know I could, but I'm not sure that I want to. I'm not sure where I belong in this world anymore. Not back in San Francisco and certainly not here. And I wonder if the drama will ever end? Am I doomed to this mental tug of war for the rest of my life? Will there always be some constant battle to be won, just to be replaced by another and another when the first is done? 

I want to write, I really do but 'm afraid I'm only becoming repetitive and I'm getting a headache. So I'm just going to end this entry for right now, but rest assured I will find something to write about.

Jondy popped the pill into her mouth and grimaced before she emptied her glass of orange juice in one long swallow. She'd had to promise Max that she would only take two aspirin and she'd actually chuckled when Max had stuttered when she said it. Rinsing the glass she sat it in on a towel next to the sink. Deciding that even if she couldn't write, she wasn't ready to face the world quite this early. Miserably she trudged back across the living room towards her bedroom. 

Thankfully everyone had went to work. She was sure that one of them was across the hall but she wasn't quite sure. She stepped through the patches of sunlight slanting across the carpet from the windows that overlooked the cluttered street below. The morning was a clear grayish white and clean. Detouring slightly she moved to sit in the window seal. 

It was going to be another long and boring day.

********

Alec stared into his nearly empty glass, the amber liquid looking darker than usual in the shadowed corner of the bar. He'd been hiding there for hours, drowning his sorrows in expensive liquor. He'd told himself with each refill that this one would be the one to make the visions go away. He was still waiting. Each time he closed his eyes, each blink, there they were on the backs of his eyelids, smiling. You'd think that they'd have given up by now. They hadn't been able to cure the virus in almost two years but they both still wanted each other. He was sick of it. 

Nothing ever got done at the meetings. Sure, everyone would show up, but the morning would be wasted with Mole, Joshua, and Dix all arguing with Max and her little contingent of rogue X5's and Logan. Logan, no matter how many times he was told to back off and shut up, still seemed to think that his ridiculous opinions mattered to any of them. As for Max's "family" they had about as much say as Ames White as far as he was concerned. 

It amused him how their eyes lit up whenever one of them would speak. He and Mole would exchange glances and an eye roll. Then the same argument they had every morning would erupt and everyone would eventually walk out. Everyone's morning ruined and nothing accomplished. 

"Are you sure you want another one?"

Things were getting better and better. "I'm a big boy Asha, but thanks for the concern."

"So is there a reason for this or do you just like the taste?"

Alec sat back and sighed. "Is there a reason YOU are here?"

"Mole said you usually came here after meetings and I got tired of trying to get Logan's attention." Asha traced patterns in the frost of her beer. "I can't believe you guys have a bar here…"

"It's our own little city." Alec looked around somewhat proudly. He felt safe knowing that everyone in the room, besides Asha, was a transgenic. 

"So how are you holding up here?" 

Alec shrugged. "It's my life, I take it for what it is. Asha…not to be rude because you're a cool chick and everything, but I'm not in the mood to have one of these talks."

"What talks…"

"The how are you leading to the Max and Logan talk. We've had this conversation before and if I can remember correctly the night didn't end up exactly as I had planned." Alec quickly took the last shot and stood up. "We both need to realize that we are chasing two people who don't want to be chased. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of living in their shadows."

And with that being said he strolled out of the bar, leaving Asha staring down at the table. He knew he'd been taking his anger out on Asha but at the moment he didn't really care. He wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. Life in TC was becoming redundant and that was something a person like him hated more then anything. Seeing the same people day in and day out, doing the same things all day long, and being the same chipper Alec that more everyone knew and loved. He wondered when the hell the merry go round life in TC would stop being so damn normal boring.

"Hey Alec, what's up?" 

Alec glanced to his left and saw Krit with Syl on his arm. He grunted what Krit assumed was a response and kept on walking. He was still getting used to transgenics flaunting their significant others. It was one thing to be breeding partners and in the confines of a room and another to be out in public holding hands and making loving faces. He knew that if was ever lucky enough to find someone worthy of him, he wouldn't become one of those people. He would love with tact. It was easy to say that now, because he wasn't in love, nor would he be anytime soon. As long as he was in TC…

He pulled the hood of his sweatshirt up over his head as he approached the X5 barracks remembering that he had promised Max to keep a low profile for the next few days. He wished he had some idea of what this girl looked like so that he didn't have to disguise himself to just walk out of the building or down the hall. 

"Hey Josh."

Joshua looked up from his easel and nodded. "Alec go for a walk?"

"Yep and now I'm going to take a nap. I'm not here if anyone comes by, tell them I'm with Mole then maybe they'll leave me the hell alone." Alec shrugged off his sweatshirt and walked into his room. His bed had never looked so inviting. 

********

Jondy sat cross-legged on the floor of her bedroom and stared at her journal. She couldn't write. Ever since she'd opened her eyes that morning she hadn't been able too. Lunch and early afternoon had passed uneventfully. She'd eaten a couple apples in that amount of time and watched people enter and exit the building while others passed by. She had almost gotten the courage to walk out the door, but she didn't want the others to flip out.

She reached for her pen and watched as it shook slightly in her hand. Memories came flooding back from a time when she'd been in the same situation, frustrated and uncomfortable in her own body. Weak and unable to do anything about it. She felt that way now. Weak. Angry. Alone.

Her head turned slowly and she stared at the desk, wondering if she should push the memory away. Instead she forced herself to her feet and moved to the bedside, reaching for the drawer and pulling it open, staring down at the two worn notebooks it held. She carried them with her everywhere. They represented her past and were her proof in times of weakness and insecurity that she had overcome the worst kind of adversity. Addiction. She was strong, she had pulled through. Reaching in, she grabbed the two books before closing the drawer and climbing onto the bed. She opened the older of the two ragged journals to the first entry, the shaky, angry words staring boldly back at her. She began to read and became lost in memories.

**San Francisco, CA :: 2016 July 29**

****

Jondy hopped down the last couple steps and out the front door where Ben stood, waiting. He almost couldn't believe his eyes. She had changed into a tight white strapless dress that ended just below her thighs under an oversized white work shirt. She was wearing a clear cowboy hat the tamed her still damp long curly brown hair fell gracefully down the middle of her back. Ben smiled and held an arm out to her. "Shall we?"

"What a gentleman and we shall." She gave a little courtesy and rested her arm in his. "Now I am putting a lot of trust into you because I plan on getting drunk."

"Damn because I was putting my trust in you…" Ben teased. 

"Wow, that's a pretty big bar." Jondy commented as it came into view. People were milling around outside and you could hear the music as the door continuously swung open as people came and went. "How did you find this place?"

"I always know where the fun is at."

Jondy's eyes sparkled as she laughed. "Yeah right."

Ben nudged her and winked. "It sounds like someone is singing…must be karaoke."

"I love to sing." Jondy interjected as she whipped around to look up at him.

"Yes I remember you being put on restriction more then once for it." 

"To make you guys happy made a week in psy-ops worth it." 

Jondy shrugged her shoulders with a grin. Ben turned her around to walk through the door and Jondy immediately began to move to the music as she looked around with interest and amazement. They chose a table in the corner near the stage.

"Hey…" Ben laughed when he had to poke Jondy to get her attention. Her eyes and mind had been taking in everything and everyone around her.    

Jondy bit at her bottom lip and bounced with excitement in her seat. "Yes."

"What do you want to drink?" Ben gestured for the waitress. 

"Anything with rum…"  She turned to the waitress. "Where do I sign up to sing?"

"Oh sweetie you can just go up there. Pick a song from our growing collection and go for it." The waitress winked at Ben when she saw him staring at Jondy's legs. 

Jondy took a couple drinks from the rum and coke that had been placed in front of her then jumped up to pick out a song. Ben sat forward and put his elbows on the table and his head in his hands. She saw quite a few of them that she liked but she only picked one, she would just save the rest for later. She handed the CD to a nearby waitress. She winked at Ben while she waited and he laughed. 

All eyes were on her as the music began and she swayed gently. Ben's green eyes followed her every movement.

"Run. We're running all the time. Running to the future, with you right by my side. Me, I'm the one you chose. Out of all the people, you wanted me the most. And I'm so sorry that I've fallen, help me up let's keep on running. Don't let me fall out of love. Running, running as fast as we can. Do you think we'll make it. We're running keep holding my hand so we don't get separated." Jondy blew a kiss to him and smiled. "Be, be the one I need. Be the one I trust most. Don't stop inspiring me. Sometimes it's had to keep on running, we work so much to keep it going don't make me want to give up…" 

Ben almost spilled his beer as the words sunk in. Her cheeks were flushed from the heat of the lights and movements of her body. He took a sip of his beer and picked at his fingers.

"We're running keep holding my hand so we don't get separated. I really hope we make…"

The whole bar clapped, whistled, and cheered which only caused Jondy to blush further and take a few bows of thanks. 

"Thank you." Jondy laughed and hoped up onto her stool. She set her hat in the middle of the table and took a couple big drinks of her run and coke. She didn't sit still long enough for Ben to start a conversation because a new song had started and she had jumped up. 

She grabbed Ben's hand before he could protest and drug him out to the dance floor. Jondy laughed when he spun her around, but he pulled her against him again and she danced with him as he sang along with the music. "Now I'm not trying to be rude but hey pretty girl I'm feeling you…" She hid her head in his chest and he laughed. "The way you do the things you do…"

He pulled her back and looked down at her with an appreciative grin. "So baby give me that toot toot let me get that beep beep."

She laughed as he pulled her back into his arms, and his head lowered to her neck as they swayed back and forth to the beat of the music. "You're quite the dancer."

"You're not bad yourself."

A hand came up to the back of his head, and her fingers slid into his hair. "Sing some more."

With a light kiss on her neck, he smiled. "Just wait. I'll give you all you want."

A shiver ran down her back from his words, or was that his hand? "Promises, promises."

Ben turned her around in his arms so that his hands were flat on her stomach. Jondy closed her eyes and wrapped one arm around her neck. As they got to a comfortable place her eyes opened. She had never seen a dance floor quite like this. The floors and the walls were decorated in black, and there were little glow-in-the-dark moons and stars all over the place. The dance floor was below the entrance level, and she could see lights and disco balls that lined the ceiling. The music was loud, the smoke and fog heavy, and she wondered if he could have chosen a better place.

It was out of the ordinary for her, and she couldn't wait to jump in and have fun. "Just look at this place."

He leaned in to hear her and nodded. "An over-stimulation at best, but when we decide that something is worth doing, we do it well."

She turned in his arms and smiled up at him. She had been wild and carefree her whole life and she knew that Ben probably didn't get to or let himself have this much fun often. She hadn't been concerned with acting like she was supposed to since she'd left Manticore. She wasn't about making her dent in the world or proving to people that she was capable. This was about being young and having fun and to making sure that everyone around her was having fun.

There was barely any room around her, so she snuggled up as close to the front of him as she could get. Her hips swung back and forth, and she smiled when she saw that he was watching her. 

"Now your daddy don't mind and you're mommy don't mind if we have another dance, yeah…"

She raised her arms above her head and Ben's went around her waist to bend her back as she rolled her hips around. When he raised her up, he motioned for her to spin around, and they both laughed as she spun around a few times to the chorus.

He had no idea what had happened to the serious and a bit withdrawn Ben, but he liked the change she was causing, and she liked it A LOT. She practically purred and prowled as she danced. Several men around her gave appreciative looks, and Ben felt strangely jealous for a moment.

Jondy spun around and leaned her back against his chest. Her arms went up and around his neck, and she giggled when she turned to look back and his chin rested on her shoulder. "Let me know if I turn into you too hard."

With a groan, he spun her around and put her arms around his neck. "It's not me you have to worry about hurting. It's the pressure you're putting HIM under."

"Awww, is he feeling neglected? Maybe you should let him come out and play."

His eyes widened with surprise right before he busted out laughing. "What was in that drink?"

She only giggled and grabbed her chest when a new song heavy with bass came on. He felt someone grinding against him from behind, and he looked over his shoulder to see that two young girls had chosen him as their target. With a roll of his eyes, he spun with Jondy and moved them away from the intrusive girls. 

Her hand came up to cup his cheek. "Are you ok?"

He shook his head and tried to smile through his confusion. "No, I'm ok. I'm just tired of being grabbed at."

Her hands immediately pulled back. "Sorry about that."

He grabbed her and pulled her close. "Not by you, silly. You can grab me all you want."

"I have an invitation?"

"Oh yes. Yes, you certainly do."

And that was a dangerous invitation to have, especially with the mood she was in. The music faded out as she heard only her pulse beating in her ears. Her hands slowly roamed up and down his chest to the pulsing rhythm, and she felt his arms tighten around her. That motion and that submission encouraged her to go a little bolder. She waited until he leaned down a little, then she touched the side of his neck with her lips. There was a slight flinch, but then he leaned into her touch. She opened her lips again and her tongue lightly flicked against his smooth skin. He tasted spicy and salty.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw his Adam's apple bob up and down. With a smile, she pulled his head down lower and teasingly nipped on his earlobe. His breath came out in a violent whoosh at the contact, and she couldn't help but feel powerful at that moment. She was in control. She had him panting and all from a little leap of faith.

Ben was lost between the desire to drag her out of there, pull her into a dark corner to let her experiment with his body some more, or take her right there on the damn dance floor. All of the options sounded good, and he wondered if he should just go with whatever option worked the quickest.

That was before she kissed along his cheek and stopped with her lips hovered over his own. His eyes were locked with hers, he couldn't seem to swallow, and all he would have to do is lean forward a little to give her exactly what they had both been wanting for a long time.

Her body was flush with his, so there wasn't a part of him she couldn't feel. Jondy held on tighter and closed her eyes at the spell the warmth of his body and the smell of his cologne was putting on her. Ben cupped both sides of her face, stepped forward, and covered her lips with his. Jondy whimpered softly when he opened his mouth wider and closed them again. She couldn't respond at first because of the shock her body received at his touch, but then she opened her lips wider and allowed him to set the pace. Her fingers dug into his lean hips, and her head fell back as he tilted and turned his head to the other side for better access. She had never been kissed before. It was so painstakingly slow, so thorough, and so perfect.

His forehead rocked against hers with every pull of his lips, and through her foggy mind, she realized that he liked to nibble a little before he gave three or four deeper kisses. Once that pattern was established, she could keep up with him a little better. And just when she had that figured out, he opened his mouth a little wider and took the kissing a little deeper. When she felt his tongue brush against her bottom lip, her arms went lax at her sides and he had to wrap both arms around her to hold her up.

He lightly touched his lips to hers a few more times, and finally pulled back to rest his forehead against hers. They were both panting, and he felt like his lungs were about to explode. He couldn't quite tell if it was from the lack of air, Jondy, or the fact that his heart was pounding. It could be a combination of all three. All he did know was that everything he'd been feeling all night had been greatly needed and he knew the only way to have that in his life on a daily basis would be to have her.

"Wow…" Jondy licked her lips and smiled.

"I say we call it a night." 

Jondy nodded and was surprised to see that her knees held her up when he let her go. A few people cheered which made her blush but she had to get over it quickly because she found that she could barely put two thoughts together. Ben had grabbed her hand wove through the crowd and tugged on her hand. She had thought about what his lips would be like all night, he had the lips that were worthy of spending days dreaming about, but she had never considered how well he might actually be able to use them. He knew how to kiss a person breathless. That was for damn sure.

********

Jondy was pulled back into reality when she heard the front door slam. She wasn't at all surprised to see that it was now nightfall. Max peered into her room and gave a questioning look. 

"Why you sitting on the ground. I got you a chair." 

Jondy shrugged. "I was just thinking."

"You hungry?"

Jondy nodded. "I could go for something to eat."

Max smiled and wondered what had put her in such a good mood. "Did you have a good day?"

"It was actually quite boring. I don't know if I'm going to be able to take too many more days of just sitting around in a hot room." Jondy stood up and set her journals on the bed with a sigh. "Where have you been?"

Max rolled her eyes. "You don't want to know."

And Max was right, she didn't really want to know and as Max started to rant and rave about her day Jondy's thoughts were of that night and her first real kiss from Ben. It had actually been a night of many firsts for them.  


	13. Sullen Girl

_I think the chapters are getting longer and longer as the story progresses __J__ This is a pretty quick update, so it may be a couple days before I update again. Just a warning…don't kill me when you finish reading. Thanks for the replies. _

**--**--**

"What are you doing to yourself?" 

Alec picked at a string on his shirt as he slouched in the overstuffed chair that resided in front of the TV. Being screamed at and reprimanded this early in the morning was never a joy, but it was something he was growing used to. It was becoming an easier and easier habit to tune people out when he wanted to. Especially when it was Max. 

"Alec, talk to me. Is there something I can do for you? Is there some way I can help you to make things easier?" 

His shoulder shrugged with great boredom, but he never raised his eyes. "You can get off my back." 

"It's just we've been here for almost six months and you really haven't talked to anyone but Mole and Joshua. I mean I've just been worried about you…" 

That caused his eyes to raise, but there was only mild amusement in them. "You're worried about me, your sister, the fate of the world…why aren't you worried. And you chose to have me as a friend, and now you're bitching when you get the shit that comes along with it?" 

"You've never been like this before Alec." Max gave him her best pout, to which he only rolled his eyes. "Alec, I'm only wanting to help you." 

Alec sat up in the chair, and tried his best to hide the pain that shot through him at the quick movement. "You're wanting to help me? Do I look like a weak pity case here? Do I look like someone who is going to fall apart? I'm handling my business!" 

"You look exactly like someone who is about to fall off that edge. Look at yourself. When is the last time you ate something, and something good for you at that? When was the last time you were out in the sunshine? You're starting to remind me of Ben." 

"Just because you're fucking sister is a nutcase doesn't mean I am." Alec stood up angrily. "I'm not sitting here and listening to this." 

"You sit down!" Alec met Joshua's eyes over Alec's shoulder.

Tense seconds passed while angry eyes bore into challenging ones, but finally the younger one gave in and sat back down. "I'm just getting stir crazy and I'm tired of the endless bitching. Is a little space too much to ask for?" 

"The circles under your eyes get darker every day. Are you even sleeping?" Concern and sincerity were dripping from her words.

He looked back down at his black shirt and shrugged once again. "I sleep a little." 

"What is your definition of a little sleep?" 

"It's enough to get me through the day." 

Max sat on the edge of the coffee table, and leaned forward to plead with him. "Get more sleep. Treat your body better. You need sleep, you need food, you need to give up the nightlife that is draining your body of what energy it has left, and you need to give up the smoking and drinking. Your voice is sounding rough, and it's only going to get worse if you don't slow down." 

Alec shifted in the seat and looked ready to bolt out of there. "Don't try to sound like my mother. I know how to take care of myself, and I know what's best for me. I also know that being left alone is what I need the most, and nobody is respecting that." 

Max was getting a very sinking feeling, and it grew stronger the more she looked at Alec. Because the more she looked at him, the less she saw the Alec she knew and had come to love as a brother. "You can't keep shutting everyone out..." 

This was a speech he had heard too many times, and it irritated him to hear it once more. They didn't understand that he had so many voices screaming inside of his head that he had no idea which one to listen to first. They didn't understand that, and yet they were the ones who were supposed to help? 

"I'm going for a walk." 

Max caught his arm on the way by, and it surprised her when Alec forcefully yanked back away from her. "Just don't lose yourself. You may not be a nutcase now…but who knows when it could hit you." 

His lazy eyes met Max's for a moment before he turned to the door. "I don't plan on it." 

He knew that Max was right, even though he didn't want to admit it. There were some scary things going on in his life, inside of his head, but there was no reason why he couldn't push them all aside and function. 

His pace slowed when he realized that he was a couple blocks away from the barracks. 

"Alec! Hey Alec, wait up!" 

That was the very voice that he didn't need to hear, and the very person that he had tried his best to avoid. "I want to be alone Asha." 

She jogged up beside him and caught his arm to stop him. "Alec, can I have about five minutes?" 

His head rolled around on his shoulders a few times to relieve the stress she brought along with her. It also gave him time to count to ten and reclaim a sense of politeness that was expected out of him. "Shouldn't you be out saving the world?" 

The hurt look that immediately appeared in her expressive blue eyes was enough for him to know that he had clipped the words harsher than he had meant to. "I'm trying to help from right here." 

Her nervousness around him made him feel about two feet tall, and it was a strange effect at best. "Good for you." 

"You just freaked my out yesterday..." 

His hands ran over his face, and he attempted to take a deep breath. "I'm fine." 

She walked along beside him as he tried to make his getaway. "You don't seem like it. We just don't talk like we used too." 

He knew exactly where this was heading, and he was on helpful overload as it was. "Well after you just fell asleep and just lied to me, I kind of took a hint." 

She looked so small in front of him, and it was a side of her that he hated seeing. "Is…is that all you can think about when you see me?" 

His fingers dug into his forehead, as he tried his best to get rid of the headache quickly building there. "I just need some time to think." 

"I understand. Really, I know what you mean because I fight for that every day. I was just hoping that we could lean on each other because…because it's going to get worse and…" 

His fingers came away from his forehead, and he studied her closely. "Because you're jealous of Max and Logan because they are only days away from a cure." 

"What?" 

"You know exactly what I'm talking about." 

"It's not like…" 

"That…I know it's never "like that" when it comes to Logan and the females that find themselves lusting after him." 

She pointed a finger up at him and glared. "You don't know me that well to be assuming things that are none of your business." 

He laughed bitterly and raised his hands up to the sky. "You're right so why did you come to me?" 

"I just…wanted to talk. To apologize for whatever it is I've done for you." 

"And I don't want to talk to you or to Max or to anyone. I just want everyone to leave me alone for a little while."

She was visibly shaken, her anger was being carefully guarded, but she still managed to give him a slight smile filled with bitterness. "Fine. You know I don't know what has happened to the guy I once knew, but I wish he would come back. I wish my friend would come back." 

"What happened to him? You want to know?" He leaned down close to her and whispered. "He was dumb enough to think that he could have one of Logan Cale's girls." 

She didn't have a chance to do more than gasp, because he was gone. His words slammed inside of her head, and the pain they caused to her heart brought tears to her eyes. "Damn you, Alec."

**--**--**

17 March 

I can't sleep again. This seems to be the thing that stays with me. Some nights I sleep just fine then there will be several days in a row where I just can't sleep at all. I feel like shit all day and even worse at night and god, but they're so long. You can only sit and think for so long before you go insane.

_And tonight I've got such crazy things on my mind. One moment I'm wondering what Ben's doing and if he's thinking of me and then the next I'm wondering when I'm going to be able to roam around TC. I haven't had anything to write about in days. I guess I could have wrote about all the things Max had bitched about after work. Trivial little things that she shouldn't even care about but she is Max. So she dwells on them until she's blue in the face. I think she's a bit of a drama queen._

_And speak of the devil, the door just slammed. Another beautiful day in paradise._

Jondy shut her notebook and walked out of her room. "Good morning."

Max didn't respond so Jondy continued. "I was wondering it you would approve of me taking a walk? I mean you're always commenting on how pale I am so I figure if I get outside every now and then I may get some color."

Max rolled onto her right side and looked at her. "Go ask one of the others."

Jondy rolled her eyes as Max rolled back onto her stomach. "Sure because I'm only five and need an escort."

She slammed the door and looked around the hallway. She had no intentions of asking one of the "others" to come. The last thing she wanted was awkward conversations. Nervously, she ran a hand through the small curls that had grown back. She hurried away from the door and practically jumped down the flights of stairs, ignoring the curious looks that some were giving her. 

Jondy wondered around for a few hours, enjoying the fresh air and the sunlight. She had seen some pretty freaky looking characters. There had been a female that looked oddly catlike with yellow eyes and long nails while another had leathery tan reptilian skin. At one point she had almost reached out to touch one of the reptilian looking creatures but he had snapped some harsh words at her and she had walked away with a smirk. Curiosity was also one of her many faults.

More and more transgenics were filling the streets so she knew it was nearing early evening. She wasn't about to return to the barracks just yet knowing that Max was going to lecture her like she was a thirteen-year-old who had stayed out past dinnertime.

Jondy saw a group of younger X6's walking towards what looked like a bar or club of some sort. They were giggling and gesturing wildly. She was a bit envious of them and curious as to what this place was. It looked like nothing more then an abandoned building but she could hear the soft sounds of music from the inside. 

"I may as well, I'll be on lock down tomorrow." Jondy said to herself and strolled into the club. 

It was as crowded as she had thought it would be. And it looked more like a bar rather then a club. The lighting was soft and the place had a very relaxed feel about it. Much like many of the Jazz clubs she had visited and often sang at.

Jondy ventured further inside and saw that there were a few pool tables scattered about as well as a small DJ booth and stage. Her mouth watered when she spotted a few bottles of alcohols sitting at the bar, but she willed herself away from it and towards the stage. She chewed on her bottom lip in thought when she saw the keyboard.

"You still sing?"

She jumped when she heard the voice next to her and groaned. "I guess I'm busted." 

"Don't worry, I won't tell Max. So do you still sing?"

"I did, where's Syl?"

"Her and Max are talking."

"About me." Jondy moved towards a table near the stage.

"Most likely, but I'm sure it's nothing bad." Krit tried to assure her and dropped into the seat in front of her. He saw that she was still staring at the stage. "You can go up there if you want."

Jondy's eyes searched the bar. It really wasn't all that crowded. "It's been awhile. I'm probably a little rusty."

"Just get up there. I promise I won't tell anyone."

Jondy met his eyes and for some reason she believed him. "If it's bad, you better not laugh."

"I make no promises."

"Good, then that means you'll never let someone down." Jondy walked over to the stage and sat down in the stool. The bartender, who looked extremely disfigured turned off the stereo and nodded at her. Jondy's fingers slid over the keys. The cool feel of the white plastic was enough to take her away. She closed her eyes and licked her dry lips.

"Days like this I don't know what to do with myself, all day and all night. I wonder the halls along the walls and under my breath I say to myself I need fuel to take flight. And there's too much going on. But it's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion. Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion…" 

**--**--**

Alec's head lifted from it's resting place on his arms. Whoever was singing had a smooth voice and some of the words were hitting him hard. He looked at her from the back of the bar and he could almost feel the sadness and need that radiated from her. 

"But he washed me ashore and he took my pearl and left an empty shell of me. And there's too much going on…but it's calm under the wave in the blue of my oblivion. Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion…in the blue of my oblivion…" Jondy's eyes opened and Alec would swear that she was staring at him. And suddenly he knew who she was.

Her fingers and voice froze when she met his eyes. The blood that ran through her veins stopped but the pounding of her heart that deafened her assured her that she was in fact still alive. Krit gave her an inquisitive look and followed the direction of her eyes. Before he could stop and try to explain it to her she was on her feet and walking towards Alec.

Alec wanted to run, to get away as quickly as possible, but the intense emotions that ran through her eyes halted him in his steps. He saw Krit hurrying after her and ran a hand through his hair. "This should be interesting." 

**--**--**

_The song is "Sullen Girl" by Fiona Apple._


	14. Slippin'

**This chapter as it is was not what I had planned, but it is taking me in the direction that I need to go. I think it will lead nicely into the next part. I have decided that this story will be in three parts after all and I really hope none of you are disappointed with this chapter…because really it's taking me where I need the story to go. Feedback on this chapter would be GREATLY appreciated, because I can always make changes before it hits my web page. Thank you so much for reading ****J**

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Alec didn't move when her hands reached up and ran through his hair and down his face. Memories flashed behind her closed eyelids.

_"I can't get over how beautiful you are. Not just right now, but…when you look at me this way and the way you trace me…" Ben ran his hands through strands of brown hair. Jondy's fingers played over his features and she smiled at his words and bit at her lip. _

_"Your lips are so soft…" Jondy whispered. Ben kissed at her lips making her giggle. _

Her eyes flew open and narrowed when her fingers met his lips. Her hands back so fast he could almost hear whistle the movement caused and she held them out and away from her like they were covered in mud. This wasn't her Ben. "You're not Ben…"

Alec's eyebrows rose and all he could do was stare. His mouth opened and closed a few times but his words were stuck in his throat. He couldn't form a coherent thought while she stared at him. He couldn't even begin to imagine everything she was feeling at that moment but the moisture that was building in her eyes was enough to make his own heart ache for her. He knew what it was like to love and have that love taken away. He saw more then just sadness, however. Her eyes also shown with betrayal. 

"You look just like him." Her voice shook with emotion. "But you're not. You're eyes are…" 

_"I hate it when that look is in your eyes."_

_"What look?" Ben sighed deeply and cradled his head._

_"Like you don't want to be here."_

_"I want to be wherever you are." He didn't feel like arguing._

_Jondy shook her head at him. "I didn't mean here with me…you just have a look in your eye like you're supposed to be somewhere else. Like you don't want to be in this world anymore, like this place is eating you alive."_

_Ben turned and gazed at her. She didn't know how true her words were. "Maybe I don't."_

Krit reached out and tried to take her hand but she yanked her arm away and moved to the left. "Jondy…this is Alec, he's Ben's twin."

Ben's eyes morphed to Krit's. "Don't you ever fucking touch me Krit." She shook the memory away and pointed at him and shook her head. Krit looked at the floor and sighed. "Why didn't any of you tell me?"

"We…I…Max didn't…"

"Think I would be able to handle it because Max always knows what's best for EVERYONE. I guess me just running into him in this god forsaken place is so much better." Jondy turned on her heel and strolled towards the door. 

Alec watched her hasty retreat and his own anger was beginning to flare. Not at Krit and certainly not at Jondy, but at Max. He grabbed Krit's arm and the two of them caught up with Jondy who was making a beeline in the direction of the X5 barracks. He had no doubts about what she was about to do and he wanted to be there when she done it. 

Max was good at trying to control any and all situations, especially if she thought she was doing what was best for everyone around her. Sometimes it worked but here lately things had been blowing up in her face. 

Krit took a hold of Jondy's arm and yanked her to a halt. Jondy whipped around and glared at him. "Maybe we should talk about this Jondy. I mean Max had a pretty rough day and I'm…"

Jondy's shrill outburst of laughter may have frightened Krit and those that had been passing by but to Alec, Krit's statement and her blatantly laughing in his face was causing himself to chuckle. It took a few minutes for her to regain her composure before she wiped at her eyes.

"I don't get it." 

"Max had a rough day…cry me a fucking river Krit. Like I give two shits how she's feeling right now." Jondy glanced at Alec and the two of them walked towards the X5 barracks leaving Krit staring after them.

--**--

Jondy pushed the door to their apartment room open hard enough for it to bang against the wall and the three occupants of the room jumped in surprise. Max's mouth fell open when she met Alec's anger filled eyes over Jondy's shoulder. Syl and Zane only stared.

"I think you two need to leave." Jondy didn't look at Syl and Zane. Her eyes were burning holes into the side of Max's face. Zane and Syl didn't move, if anything they sunk lower into their seats in an effort to get comfortable. Max's forever protectors. "I guess everything I have to say involves you to."

"I, we were going to tell you but I was worried about you. I didn't know how you would handle it Jon." Max started, a tear tracing a path down her face.

"Riiight." She rolled her eyes, the contempt found in them burning him to the core. "Poor little charity case needs your help again. Well, your good deed is done. You can stop with your bullshit."

"It's not bullshit Jon."

"You really don't rate to call me Jon. None of you do." Her arms folded across her chest. 

Max shifted under her gaze. "Then I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say."

"It has to be an uncomfortable feeling. It seems like lately you've gotten really good at telling whomever is listening what they want to hear. It doesn't really matter what the truth is, as long as everyone is going along with whatever it is you have to say." Alec stepped up next to Jondy and cocked his head to the side.

"Alec…" The word was more sob than not. Syl was at her side instantly and Zane stood and glared at him.

"Sit down Zane." Jondy looked disgusted. "It's always someone to her fucking rescue. Forget about the fact that every other person in the world has fucking problems. FORGET about the fact that all of you fucked me over again. What else are you all hiding from me? Is Zack going to show up next?"

"Just relax Jondy. I don't even know why you're being like this. We've tried to talk to you…" Zane dropped back into his seat and rubbed his temples. "But you didn't want any part of it. You haven't wanted anything to do with us."

"I didn't want to be your fucking pity case. That's all I am to you. 'Look at Jondy, she's so pathetic maybe if we bring her into our lives our problems won't seem so bad' and it didn't work did it? Because all of you are about Max." Jondy chuckled. "Earlier I was reading my journal. It's almost comical, the way things changed from the moment you showed up. Each day I was a little closer to that person I used to be. Max's little worshiper, _Jon._ Everyday I was wrapped just a little bit tighter around that finger of yours. It's funny really, back when we were kids, and even when we got older I could never escape your shadow. And the whole time I've thought you were nothing but a fast talking con artist that always got her way. But the difference was, back as Manticore what you wanted was always what I wanted, so your conning was to my benefit. I thought it was about us. I realized when you left me that it was never about us…just about you. Number one. X5-452. Max." 

Max turned to face her. Her image was blurred by her tears. She blinked several times sending them cascading down to drip unheeded onto her shirt. When her vision cleared, she saw that Jondy was also crying. 

She continued to talk, only adding to her heartache. "When you all came back…I will admit that I didn't trust your motives, but then I realized that you had all changed. You seemed so grown up and mature and caring. I thought you cared about _me_. I thought it wasn't all just talk. But I was wrong, so wrong. You haven't changed. It's still about you, isn't it? I have a guilty conscious so I'll go take care of Jondy or I have a guilty conscience so I'll send Max."

"Please stop."

"Why? Feeling guilty? Feeling disgusted? Feeling hatred?" Alec stepped closer towards Max. "Tell me Max, how long was it going to be until you sent me to another base so that you could avoid telling her?"

She gasped audibly, the shock of his words, the _truth_ in them making her cheeks flush crimson. She'd been talking to Syl and Zane about that very idea just before the busted into the room. "Alec…"

"I'm done chasing after you Max. I'm done with all of this. I can't fucking take the lies and the mixed feelings. I once loved everything about you, but I'm starting to hate everything that comes along with it." Alec held up a hand when she began to speak. "Don't even try. I'll be gone soon enough."

"I'm leaving too." Jondy stated causing Syl and Zane's eyes to meet hers and Max's sobs became louder. 

"Where are you going to go?" Zane managed to choke out.

"I don't care where I go, just far away from all of you."

Zane stood and threw his hands up. "And who's going to take care of you?"

"I don't need to be taken care of. No one here has been 'taking care' of me. I could have left a thousand times by now." Jondy marched towards her bedroom. Max jumped up and reached out to take a hold of her arm. Jondy looked at her hand then into her eyes.

"Please stay…" Max began to plead and glanced over at Alec who only shook his head.

Jondy shook her head. "I'm leaving, I've already decided."  

"Are you going together?" Zane was glaring at Alec.

Alec met Jondy's eyes. "Just until we're out of Seattle."

"Now if you'll take your hands off me…"  

Max knew, without a doubt, that she had been dismissed. And the expression on her face before she had once again turned her back, had been worse than anger, worse than hatred. It had been disgust. The very sight of her disgusted Jondy and she found herself once again feeling something that she hadn't felt in months. Her hands reached out to her, her mouth opened, but no words would come. There were so many she could say but at this moment she knew that none of them would make a difference. It wasn't about words; it was about what she'd done. Her actions had hurt her way more than any of her pretty words could undo. Max dropped her hands to her sides and turned to look at Alec. He turned his back and faced the door.

The muscles constricted in her chest drawing an ache she hadn't felt in months. It reminded her of every time she had seen one of her dead brothers or sisters. Every second of those experiences were a permanent fixture in her mind. They always hovered just far enough in the back of her mind that it almost seemed to disappear, but yet still close enough that when these moments came it was there, tearing her apart. She'd felt it again when she'd first seen Jondy, her eyes filling with hatred before she turned her back on her and even then her eyes had taken her back to Ben. And now looking into Alec's eyes here it was again, doubling and tripling in size to fill her mind to overflowing. She felt that same paralyzing pain she'd felt when Tinga was laying dead in her arms. That loss, that longing, that willingness to give anything she possessed to have her back…she felt it all. 

And what made it worse was that she had known in her heart of hearts that this was coming. The knowledge that people she cared for so deeply couldn't stand the sight of her left a cavernous hole in her body between her chest and her gut, and she suddenly felt as if she may vomit. So this is what Jondy had felt like when Ben had turned his back.

She hurried to her room and dropping to her knees she began to breathe slowly, attempting to calm herself. When her stomach was back under her control her mind again whispered of the past and of the things that she could never take back.


	15. So long

**So since I've decided to make this a 3-part series, this chapter is a little short. I'm just tying up a few loose ends. The next part I can say already by looking at the plans I've made, that it will be more then 15 chapters. I'm hoping that I keep your interest in this story long enough that you will be interested in part two and three. Thanks for reading this story and all the excellent feedback. It really means a lot to know that you like my writing, it's something I love to do.**

**--**--**

Alec made quick work of packing only the things he knew he would need. He was well aware of Joshua's presence at the doorway to his room and of Jondy's eyes that were following his every movement. He tossed her a backpack and she immediately pushed her plastic bag full of the only clothing she owned into it and laid her many notebooks on top. 

"Alec leaving?" Joshua finally said breaking the ten long minutes of silence. 

Alec couldn't meet his eyes, so he only nodded. "Yeah Josh. I need to call Mole, let him know that I'm getting out of here."

Joshua whined slightly and turned to gab the phone. Alec took it and he saw Jondy looking at Joshua, most likely wondering what the hell he was. "Josh that's Jondy, Jondy this is Max's friend Joshua."

"Nice to meet you smaller fellow." Josh patted Jondy's head. She nodded and ducked away from his hand. Jondy hoisted the backpack onto her back and walked out of the room. 

"Mole, it's Alec. I just wanted to let you know that I'm getting out of here. I know you wanted to leave…most likely to another base. I just can't take it here anymore." Alec frowned slightly and nodded at the Mole's words. "We can be there in about two minutes…we as in Jondy…yeah. I'll explain it all to you when we get there."

Alec hung up the phone and tossed it to Joshua. He picked up the few bags that he had and followed Josh into the main room. "Look Josh…"

Before anything else could be said Joshua had him in a tight bear hug. Alec coughed as the air was squeezed out of him and patted Joshua's back. "I'll miss you to big fella."

Jondy walked over and picked up one of the bags. It would only make traveling that much easier. "So…"

"Let's go. Josh take care of yourself." Alec hugged the much larger man one more time and followed Jondy out the door. He didn't look back.

--**--

Jondy's mouth fell open when she spotted Mole. She had thought Joshua had looked a little eccentric but now seeing Mole, it made Joshua almost normal in her eyes. He hadn't said much to her, just looked her over and shared a look with Alec. She threw his bags into the back of an old beat up and rusted truck that Alec had thrown his into only moments ago.

"You ready?"

Jondy who had been leaning up against the truck with her eyes closed nodded. She opened them and looked at Mole who was chewing on a cigar. He looked almost sad as he watched Alec walk around and climb into the driver's seat. Jondy pulled herself up into the truck and had just situated herself when Mole shut the door for her. She nodded her thanks and rolled down the window.

"Be careful Alec and you know if you ever need anything, all it takes is a call." Mole took a couple puffs on his cigar and Alec nodded. Mole looked at Jondy and studied her thoughtfully for a few moments. "I don't really know who you are, but I respect you for holding your own against Max and her little friends."

Jondy looked over at him. Mole backed away from the truck and waved them on. She stared at him until the truck pulled away and he drifted back into the shadows. "How are we getting out of here?"

"There's a side entrance that's not as heavily guarded or blocked off. The X7's are taking care of a few guards right now, so it shouldn't be too difficult. Keep your head low when I tell you too."

Jondy sighed and sunk down in her seat. She reached for her pack that she had set on the ground and pulled out her notebook and a pen. Alec sunk in his seat and nodded over at her as his foot pressed down on the accelerator. Jondy peeked out the window and saw flashes of camies and the flashing lights of cop cars as they whirled by. There was no gunfire and from the way Alec was looking back, they hadn't been followed.

"It's clear."

And with those words being said Jondy pulled herself up a little. 

_17 March cont. _

_So…he really freaked me out. All I saw was Ben's face, but he wasn't Ben. Everything about him is different. Ben had…he was just darker, more mysterious, and always had an aurora of danger around him. I've only been around this guy for a few hours but everything about him seems to be an open book._

_I don't regret a thing I've said to Max. She had it coming and from the last look she gave me she had known it was coming. I can't say much for the rest of them. Krit seemed to understand, but the other two render me speechless. They will forever be trying to protect Max from all that's evil in the world. I only hope that someday they will understand why I had to leave and why they were wrong. Maybe someday they'll realize that I'm not a child that can be coddled and protected. I'm nothing of the sort._

_And she doesn't need to be protected either. She needs to grow up and realize that she can't always save the day. That everything is not always her fault and not everyone is a puppet on a string held by her. Not everyone is so easily fooled and someday maybe the two of us can try being friends, sisters, again. But I need to get my shit together first and she needs to learn how to live without the support of everyone around. Not everything is an argument Max. Not everything is black and white._

_And Alec, I'm not really sure why he's leaving. I guess in a way Max betrayed him too? I'm not really sure and I'm not about to ask him about it. It is none of my business after all. I know that he is going to help me get started, whether he knows me or not. I think he's crazy. Looking at him, knowing he's not Ben, and trying to forget.__ I've come to realize that this is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Letting someone help me…it's like this constant battle within me. _

_But then you flip the coin. The person I loved the most just turned his back and walked away. He looked at me and looked at her and he liked the blue lady better. I want this instead and I don't care how it makes you feel. I don't care if you feel betrayed, I don't care if your heart aches or if you are alone. I'm not. I get what I want and it's not you. How do I forget that? How do I say, it's okay, it's the past. Because it's not. It's not past. It's there in my heart and in my head and in my every breath. The pain and the lies and the days and nights of waiting for him to call. And when he was here, knowing he was just a few steps away and he didn't even say goodbye. He didn't say how are you today or how have you been. He just hid inside hoping I didn't see him so he didn't have to make excuses as to why he wasn't speaking to me. Maybe the flat out truth would have been better. I don't want you any more._

_Then there are the nights when I lay and wonder if it's me. Did I do something to make him feel this way? Did I say something wrong? Did I hurt him or annoy him? It is just me? Did he only stay with me all this time because he didn't have anyone better? I was close and he was bored? All the words and promises and pacts. Were they lies? How could forever friends turn into nothing? And I sit here and I still don't really know the answers._

_How can I forgive that? How can I forget it?_

_How can I forget with his twin staring back at me?_

Jondy cast the journal aside. Too many questions unanswered and yet just the thought that he might come by made her get that excited fluttery feeling. She hated it. She cursed him in the same breath that she called his name. How can a person live so contradictory and stay sane? Some nights she lay in her bed and wondered if she was. The back and forth, the crying, the aching and then the smiles. The laughter at just a simple word or comical face. It was tearing her apart just as sure as it was healing her. Would it ever get any easier? Would it be this hard every day for the rest of her life? Would it hurt like it used to? Would it hurt worse? She suspected that it would.

Sighing she dropped her head against the cool window and stared out at the little flashes of light as they passed them. She didn't know where she was going to go or how she was going to live but at this point anything was better then being lied to on a daily bases. She would never take away from them the fact that they had helped her. But at what cost? Max should have told her about Alec and she shouldn't have told Alec to stay out of site. Especially when you could see that he cared about her. Had she really been so blind?

"Do you mind if I listen to music?"

Jondy shook her head. She watched his fingers play with the dials until he stopped on a station playing classic rock. Her head fell back against the headrest. She knew that someday they would come looking for her. She only hoped that she would be worth finding.


	16. Part Two :: Passenger

**Story ID for the second story… 1522184  :: Passenger**


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